Love, life and loss
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2022-12-02 08:58:59 (UTC)

Odd day

Yesterday was an odd day
Messed around and ended up sat in a cold car for 2 hours
The only good thing was I was so tired I managed to nap in the car and had less flash backs. Not sure why but maybe sleeping in the car is the answer
Last night was the worst
I was so tired ended up falling asleep on manager friends sofa
Woke up in tears and hated myself for doing it
She understood but was so cross with myself
I was anxious about staying which made me overthink more so made flash backs worse all night
My heart icd shocked me the night before and i was worried it would happen again with no life saving dog to help me so I only took half sleeping tablet so I cour be alert to wake up if ny heart went wrong. Horrible mistake.. enough tablet to make me sleepy but not enough to make me fully sleep or keep me asleep
All it did was increase the amount of thoughts and visions
Fucking wrecked this morning and need to muster up energy to get out of here and make way to hospital
Got a couple hours spare but not worth me going home to go back to my appt as its an extra hour and half drive
More car time it is
But car or the same 4 walls makes no difference to me
Need to get today out the way get my heart sorted then home home tomorrow ready to work on monday after over 3 weeks off
Absolutely petrified and dont want to do it
Know I have to have no choice but dont want to 😓 just thought of it makes my heart race and makes me feel sick
I'm just not ready

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