Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-12-01 11:39:55 (UTC)

I chickened out

So my dad made it through the surgery, after the surgery was over and the doctor came and talked with us he said that 2 of us could go and peek at him in a couple of hours, no talking to him or making any kind of noise or touching him. Well I am a clutz and a talker so I was really not wanting to go in there, plus who wants to see their dad on life support? My mom peeked in and said he looked good as you could expect, his color was good and she felt like she was able to go home and get a good nights sleep after all the worrying. Last night my dad was able to come off life support and they asked him if he was in any pain and he said no. His vitals are all good. He is in CCU as they are watching for stroke, which is common sometimes after these operations I guess. I will go see him tonight after work, he can only have 2 visitors at a time during certain hours, they told us he won't remember anything for the next 5 days as they will keep him pretty sedated.

I was so happy when I got that call, I went and told Mike and asked him for a hug. He gave me one and said something about my lack of faith, he told me everything would be alright and I was still worried. I have faith, trust me on that, but I also know that God doesn't always do things the way we want him too. I was worried, but not a whole lot and mostly I was worried about my mom, what would happen to her if something were to happen to him? They have been together 60 years, that's more than I have been alive. I know she would be fine, after all humans are I said, we are human, so yeah I may have worried a little, when I am always preaching 'don't worry about anything give it to God' yeah yeah I am a hypocrite I guess. I don't really think so but yeah whatever I am human

Last night when I was sleeping, or just drifting off, Mike asked me something, I can't remember what, he said he didn't that I just started talking to him, then again as I was about gone, oh yeah he rolled over, cuddled me and touched my neck, automatically sleeping or not I smiled, oh yeah shits about to happen. He started laughing and said I was pretending sleeping. I seriously wasn't, all that stress about my dad took it out of me, I was exhausted, not too exhausted to follow through though if he wanted to. We didn't do anything, he thinks I manipulate him into having sex, how I was sleeping, he said I did it with my ass, haha I just scooted my ass to his privates, he was like see? Then he rolled over and I think I said something about how he has too much power over me, since 1 touch when I was either asleep or about to be asleep could drive me insane. I believe he woke me up another time as I was drifting off. Oh yeah he thought I was going to relapse over the last post and he just wanted to make sure I was ok, I was like it was lyrics, no nothing can make me relapse, I've got this and then I think I was gone.

It wasn't a flippant answer, I seriously thought about this yesterday, if my dad didn't make it, would I want to use to cover the pain? probably, but would I? no, no pain I can go through in the right now will ever make me want to go to the pain of what that shit already put me through, no I will never go back, all I have to do is remember all the pain I felt in rehab, all the horror stories I promise you I never want to go back there again ever. Does this make sense?

I am weird I will admit that, like when I was single, or even married the first time but separated, when I went out to the bars drinking and partying I would wear granny panties, because for some reason as long as I had on granny panties I wouldn't actually sleep with anyone no matter how drunk I got, it was weird but it protected me from a lot.

One thing I know, God has great things in plan for me and I won't see them if I am popping pills

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