Anonymouslysecret

1

So. Am I supposed to say what I did today? I doubt I’ll do this every time. My days are relatively the same thing over and over.

I woke up. I had a coffee. I logged into my emails. I worked. I cooked. I ate. I cooked again. Made soup, actually. I’ve become quite a good cook since getting married. I tidied the house. I went to the shop. Now I’m waiting for my husband to come home. I don’t know why. There’s nothing to wait for.

Tonight we have church. This is where my lies and pretending steps in. I’ve avoided church and everyone there for about 3 months now. Maybe longer. No one truly knows me there. I hate going and watching everyone with their perfect lives, smiling and laughing, making meaningless conversations. I’m just not “there” right now. In fact, I pretended for so long, I don’t have the energy to do it anymore. But I have to prepare myself to go because my husband might want to. And he doesn’t know me either. He doesn’t know what goes on in my head… or my heart… or behind closed doors while he’s at work. Sometimes behind closed doors while he’s outside working on his car. Or asleep!

God knows. I won’t get into that. But knowing that he knows, and having to face that guilt every day, makes it harder to pretend also. Makes it harder to talk to Him too. What can I say? I messed up bad.