Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-29 11:09:56 (UTC)


So he is staying, we will split the bills, here for right now. He still needs time, probably to make sure I am going to stay off the drugs, I'm not sure. Who cares? he is still here. We are always kind and always say we love each other all the time. So I just have to stay strong and show him who I am now, who that exactly is, I'm still figuring out

My mind is a mess this morning, my mom pulled through her surgery with flying colors, my dad's is tomorrow. His is way more serious, double bypass surgery, he is 80 years old. He doesn't think he is going to make it, but also this is the same man who was begging for death to come take him when he broke a rib, so yeah I am scared.

If I was him I wouldn't be scared, only because if it is his time to die, then what a happy day for him...not so much for the rest of us left behind, but you know what I mean. He won't know, he will be surrounded by loved ones that passed before him, he will meet Jesus, that to me would constitute the happiest day ever.

But I'm not him, so I am scared. I already feel as if the devil is attacking me on a daily basis, what if he takes my father? I mean that would be some bullshit right there. I'm not ready for him to go, he hasn't even really ever been sick. He is looking older now, more frail, but still a handsome man who still does everything for everyone.

I don't know, I have faith that it will all work out the way it's supposed too, might not be the way we want but it always works out somehow

I went to my parents house after work last night, he needed to show me how to use the washer and dryer. I was like dad I am 55 years old, I can use a washer and dryer, but apparently his is special (which means it's broke and he just doesn't want to buy a new one haha) so he taught me how to use it and where the soap is and to use 1 dryer sheet, showed me where the light switch is. I was cracking up, hello I lived here for 25 years, I know where the light switch is, in fact it's probably the same washer and dryer we used back then, not really. My parents have money, and this is why. The keep fixing stuff that's broke rather than replacing it. Anyways, he is just nervous as fuck about tomorrow. He won't be able to drive or do anything for 5-6 weeks after the surgery. So my parents said Christmas will be small this year, who cares? don't get any gifts, lets just be together and have fun, share laughter and love. I'm totally cool with that, we are all adults now and can buy ourselves anything we need.

Dear God, please take care of my dad tomorrow, I still need him.

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