barefoot & barely lifelike
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2022-11-29 05:05:03 (UTC)

the one with the kindest smile

as someone who's rarely interested in people (as more-than-friends) and usually never crushes on anyone, i have been a bit confused lately. i wouldn't go as far as to call it a crush or even being interested, but i'm.. intrigued. i'm noticing someone. and it's messing with my head enough for me to wanna write about it.

they work at the culture house (surprise surprise, where else would i have met new people lmao, i never go anywhere). when i first visited, s was the one to show me around after i finished my 'interview' (using that word very loosely here) with the director of the place. i remember being weirded out by two things - first: how, even though i'm usually super allergic to that kinda crap, i *wasn't* annoyed when they kept stating things that were obvious, and second: how i was even more awkward than usual (and felt like them being awkward as well was the reason behind my awkwardness, even though others being awkward often makes me less awkward). from the beginning they weren't just another person there, and even if it's not unusual of me to take instant liking to a person (as a person), this felt different. and the more i've seen and the more i've gotten to know them, the more conscious i am of their presense. it's actually become impossible for me to ignore them, to not keep tabs on their whereabouts. it's taking up quite a bit of my mind's capacity, especially on mondays when we tend to be in the same room for ~4 hours.

i don't know how to feel about this. it's kinda annoying but not really. i mean i wouldn't mind not being this way, but it's also... okay, idk what other words to describe it with. it's been quite long since i've last been ...paying attention to anyone in this way, and it's kinda maybe not fun, but ... fine? lmao okay & fine, the lamest words in the english language, but idk how to describe it. it's kinda nice to feel something again, even if i don't even know what that something is. i don't think i know how to crush on people. i've only ever once been truly into someone, in a way that i actually wanted to be with them, and even that took me some time. ok in a way it was an instant-liking -sorta thing as well, 'love at first sight' if you will, but realizing / admitting it to myself took time then too. this is nothing like that, or like. nowhere near as intense as it was with mickey right from the start, but this is Something. i'm not looking to make it into anything more either - heck, i don't even know if s is married or in a relationship or something. i pretty much know nothing about their life, and the things i do know don't go very deep.

but they have the kindest smile i've ever seen. i love smiles - it's usually the # 1 thing i notice about people. well, looks-wise anyway. and this one, i gotta say, is nothing shy to magical. it's the epitome of kindness and gentleness. i mean usually smiles are striking, beautiful, fun, sexy, all things like that. but this one's just... something else. it always reaches their eyes, and it's somehow so impressive that i'm not even sure what kinda teeth they have. and that's a thing i usually notice right away too. they greet everyone - all who work there do, but some of them do it in a manner that feels forced or a bit fake and oftentimes hurried, but s always takes a moment to look people right in the eye, says their names with ...intent (that's the only way i can think to describe it) and idk. it feels genuine and weirdly intense somehow. and even though i think they're not the chattiest type, in those moments i know if there was anything i'd need/want to talk about, i could ask for time to do so. they seem to like their job and are clearly genuinely interested in people and their stories. from what i've witnessed, s has a great, appropriately twisted sense of humour, they're always very respectful with their words and seem to be thoughtful, patient, quite humble and duteous. whenever someone misinterprets something, they explain it again and again, without the slightest hint of annoyance or scorn, no matter what the situation is. that to me is especially impressive, as i myself can sometimes be such a diiiick and don't cope super well with ...dumb people. see? i call people dumb. i don't think s would.

i've never thought i'd have "a type" but i still find it kinda odd that this is the person who makes me feel things, whatever those things might be. i mean for example, even though s clearly is socially skillful and on top of situations, they're not exactly social per se. i think i've usually been drawn to more socially active types, the extroverted introverts, perhaps. and s is also a Musician, with a capital m, and even though i love to sing and i love listening to others play etc., i usually find musicians a bit boring/annoying with how much they talk about & spend time on something i understand pretty much nothing about. i think it also makes me feel somehow less-than and that's why i've never been that hyped about the most musical folk. i also suspect the music i listen to differs from theirs quite a bit - and they're the sporty type, which i both am not & have never been especially attracted to. plus, even if we didn't count the smile, looks-wise they're also 'conventionally hotter' than what i usually end up finding attractive. not that that's exactly surprising, as apart from the smile aspect i don't usually care about looks that much. to me people have always been just lists of neutral descriptors until i get to personally know them, and i've never had specific physical 'criteria' or anything like that. the only superficial preferences i've noticed i've got have more to do with the way things feel (no, i don't mean That, perverts) as i love playing with other's hair, find beards nice to touch, things like that. althooough, i do really like nice butts too - hey maybe the fact that i've never checked out s's butt, or even thought about it, explains where i currently am with this?

eitherway, dang it feels good to get all this out of my head. maybe i'll soon find out about their happy marriage (tbh i haven't even checked if they wear a ring ... that's pretty much how intensively i'm pursuing anyone here lmao) or something and this'll all go away, but until then, i'm gonna try and enjoy myself, try to milk all the emotion i can out of this whole thing. again, "we'll see." i'll write about the mondays more another time, now i really need to try and get some sleep.