rotten

beyond utterly exhausted

it's been a weird couple of days, again. i honestly am not sure what's up, i've just felt so... exhausted. even more so than normally. there's been NO WAY i could've replied to messages for example, i haven't opened my insta dms or whatsapp messages in daaays now and i know there's at least two people i've managed to piss off, but. no can do. i know i probs sound like a dick when i'm like "listen, i understand it might be tough being my friend sometimes, it takes me ages to respond and i don't always have that many spoons even when i do. i get it and it's fine if you're not up for it, i'm sorry if i hurt you. i hope you find friends who are better with being in touch." i know it sounds like a bitter "well no one's forcing you to be my friend!1!11" and i don't usually agree to anyone going "it's just how i am i can't change it" as that's often used as an excuse to keep being an asshole, but during the years i've realized this really is a thing i can't change. i have tried my whole life, i have really tried so hard. nowadays the friends i do have are either a) fine with me being like this, b) the same way themselves, and that works. i still feel guilty and useless all the frigging time, i still blame myself of being a bad friend, but i mean at least i still have friends. friends who agree that the most important thing is to reply at some point and not to be on-call 24/7. no one's entitled to someone else's time after all, at least in my opinion. of course in life and with friendships sometimes you compromise, leave the comfort zone etc., sometimes i engage in communication even when i don't feel like it or even if i don't really have the energy, if i feel like it's truly important and something that's time sensitive. but then it's my decision. i hate being guilt-tripped into replying/communicating, i don't wanna feel like i'm obligated to larp a friend - i want to actually want to be a friend. none of this probably makes any sense, but oh well.

the level of tired i've experienced lately feels different than before. perhaps it's because i've been going to the paja and being more active, doing shit with my days? it's different than the tiredness i felt last spring when i worked full-time though, so it must be that whole 'leaving-the-house' -part... and probably has shiz to do with the 'not-sleeping-at-all-ffs' -part too (duhh). the apartment's kinda disgusting again. i can't remember the last time i did the dishes or even the last time i vacuumed, though the latter wasn't even that long ago. i wish i had the energy to go through my things and get rid of shit. i should get rid of like ... half of my clothes. at least. i have so much, there's simply not enough room in this apartment for all the crap i own. sure, that's also kind of an issue, but if all i did was get more dressers etc., that wouldn't really fix any of my problems. everything feels super overwhelming though. i can't imagine even starting the project, my brain refuses to allow it. i'm not sure if it's 'just' the adhd curse or if i'm actually super mega depressed atm. after all that is always a possibility, so. who knows.

my skin is killing me. it's been minus something celcius around the clock for like a week now, and oh boy do i feel it. i've been swimming in decubal but it's next to no use. my entire back itches, the arms look terrible and the backs of my hands are plain brutal. the moi forest -cream helps a bit, which is a miracle, but the smell ... is a lot, too. ohh what would life be like without the countless sensory issues i struggle with, and ohh what would life be like without all the health problems? m messaged me asking about HS because she had a boil in her thigh, and idk. i didn't even know what to say. i tried to explain things without sounding patronizing, but i gotta admit it was rather difficult. like... i have complained about my HS *hell* to her, i've told her all the facts about it before and how fucking painful it is, and i've said it's the one issue i would get rid of if i had the choice. she gets a single boil and is suddenly sure she must have it too. like... please. (spoiler alert: it took less than six hours for the boil to stop being a problem.) ok i sound like i'm trying to gatekeep HS lmao, moving on.

so, i got absolutely nothing done this weekend yet somehow i feel burnt out anyway. yay. dang i wish i could learn to sleep like a ... person.

britney save us all