Tati

I hate it.

My mother is sick.
I pity her.
And her coughing disgusts me all the same.

My head hurts but I don’t want to let go of this music. I feel like it’s all that’s keeping me from collapsing.

I don’t want to think about it. But I haven’t done any of the things I said I needed to do. I feel bad about it. I don’t think I want to write anymore. Or read anymore. Never goes anywhere. Always boring. A waste of time? I guess so. My head is just. And the shows are simply. I don’t want anything but a different reality. I can’t even properly write it out.

I want him to be happy. I want him to have had a happy home. A happy, good, kind hearted caretaker. Not even a hero. Nor a villain. Not someone intent on involving them in everything. Someone to save him.
But I can’t write it into existence. Why? I’m simply incapable, my writing won’t do it properly. Or maybe it’s just going slow? No. I can’t write dialogue.

I just can’t. I feel like my vocabulary is miniature. Like it won’t ever amount to the things I’ve read that had similar intents but never finished. I just wish that I could do more. But I can’t. And my mind

I’m not satisfied with wishing.