Notes from my Black
Oh the mirror
I was asked who that guy was. For this entry, it just doesn’t matter who he is, he triggered me. But why?
This guy hit my buttons… and then latently, the podcaster did too.
What buttons and how. He spoke eloquently and spoke with authority. Don’t question and don’t think too deeply or he’ll spin words and do what he does, not answer the question and sling shit stained webs of partial and complete fabrications while you are supposed to sit and nod like a good lemming.
This is how I grew up. I was wallpaper. I was literally told to be seen and not heard. I was told I was too stupid to understand. I was told my feelings not only didn’t matter, they didn’t exist. I was tasked to find that place I didn’t exist while still being wallpaper. I was silent and I was weakened by expectations and spanking and words and lack of words and exclusion.
I was taught being vulnerable being weak. I taught being weak was bad. I was bad. I was bad for being weak. I was weak because I was stupid. I was stupid because I was worthless. I was unworthy unless I could achieve massive things. I was taught to achieve massive things had to do these things. These things, I was told, I was not worthy of having the opportunity to try. Specifically, I was told going to Northwestern was not allowed. Not because it couldn’t be afforded. I was offered a scholarship. I was not allowed to go because it was a hard school… and I'm the dumb one (silent finish to the sent).
Yes. I’m the dumb one. I am slotted to believe and know and understand that this is my place.
So why did I get triggered? I almost lost the purpose of this entry… I got triggered because I was drilled my whole pre-college years and really through college, that I was not worthy. Small little massive pebbles of “wisdom” rolled over me like avalanches of life quenchers. It’s hard to know where your own thoughts begin when you have not been allowed to have them your whole life. And I get pissy about it. I got triggered because this arrogant ass represents too much of my childhood… and honestly, even though I agree with much of the podcaster’s points, he rubs me raw too. He’s really the same as the the guy he’s tearing down.
Neither of them leave a glimmer of hope or respect for the other. I just want no part of it. I’m sorry I posted it really. If you watched it/ listened to it, I apologize. My trigger was talking… and I couldn’t see if feel the bleed at the time.
I don’t know if this little rant is healthy or not. I certainly didn’t expect it when I put thumbs to screen.
Otherwise… cyber Monday. I have woodworking to do. I need to finish a Massaroni shelf for my daughter for Christmas. She doesn’t know it’s coming. I made a template. I may make these for other people down the road. I cut all the slots too narrow… so now I have to hand sand them to fit. It’s way more than I expected. No wonder they sell for so damn much. It’s all in the labor of making it.