Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-28 11:57:13 (UTC)

He came home

He ended up coming home, which surprised me, he didn't tell me he was coming just came home. He was pissed though I ruined his night, it was good though at least there was anger, he was getting it out. He blew up at me for a little while, all valid, all deserved. We both woke up yesterday and spent the day at home, not together, but here together. He showing me in so many little ways that he loves me and cares, like yesterday he got me pumpkin spice creamer for my coffee (which I drink black, but this is a bonus) It tastes a little like heaven I would imagine, if heaven tasted. He got us a whole bunch of snacks, my favorite things, as he was watching the foot ball games and I was just watching stupid shit on tv. Last night in bed, there was cuddling but no sex, as I believe there was too much snacking involved and stomachs didn't feel good.

This morning we got up said good morning, he left for work, we did an air kiss and said I love you to each other.

Are we together or not? I am super confused. Will he ever be able to get over the fact of my betrayal? Will he ever be able to trust me again? After all I told him just last year I quit (again). To this I say yes 100%, you can trust me, I will always tell you the truth about this, if I ever have the urge for one, I will talk to you first, I have plans in place I'm not afraid to use if I have to.

Mike said he was pissed how I made the whole cat/dog situation a 'poor me' deal, when HE TOLD ME IT WOULD HAPPEN, in my defense he never said a dog would come in and kill my cat, the way I seen the whole thing playing out was, her dog wouldn't last here 2 days, because she is never here and I wasn't going to take care of another animal, so she would have to get rid of it, see plan was just failed. Not because I am a failure, I fucked up, I didn't look at the whole picture, I'm sorry this happened. I will forever be haunted by this, you can call me a murderer whatever you want, nothing you can say that I haven't already and still say to myself. I am my own worse enemy. It was a tragic poor me situation though, and I will forever be traumatized by this. Should I have listened to you? Yes, probably so, but I am the kind of person that needs to learn lessons on her own (obviously look at my past, sometimes 100 times). I will say this, you were right and I was so so wrong. I can keep saying I'm sorry but what does it really do?

So there are 2 huge betrayals Mike has to get through, the drugs and the cat/dog situation. He feels I put my daughter first by letting her dog come here, I was doing what I needed to do to be able to pay the rent. This wasn't about manipulation or anything like that, this wasn't about choosing someone first. He moved out, the dog moved in, he moved back in, the attack happened, this whole thing sucks and if I had a time machine I would go back to that morning and redo things... a lot of things

But I can't

I just want my marriage back and I want it better than ever before