Gentleman ♀

Guess Who's Got The Sad Again (⭐(Bookmark For Myself)⭐)

Hi,

I swear to god, I can never tell. Is it reading the angsty fanfiction and watching the sad shows that makes me depressed or is it the depression that makes me read angsty fanfiction and watch sad shows? If you can't tell, I'm in another wave of depression. Coincidently, I've also forgotten to take my anxiety meds and birth control lately. Thank god for Zoloft but curse my forgetfulness. Depression is one of those things that just is indescribable. Not even with broad words like good or bad. Like, yes, it's terrible, but sometimes it feels good to bawl your eyes out on the bathroom floor while listening to sad music. It's one of those things that are just horrible but you just couldn't live without.

Today something notable happened. I guess. So, I was upset about homework and feeling more depressed than usual so I went looking for my little dragon plushie. If you weren't aware, my dragon plushie had a hole in it and is where I kept my razor and bandaids. When I noticed it wasn't on my bed I almost had a heart attack and practically tore the house apart looking for it. I asked my mom about it and it turns out, she took it about a week ago. Apparently, she was in my room waking me up, felt something hard in my stuffed animal, and took it right in front of me and I didn't notice a thing. She talked to me about it and I was like "what do you want me to do? Strip down?..." long story short I stripped down for her (except bra and underwear which I had to just maneuver around my AHEM parts...) and she was just barely convinced I wasn't cutting again. Truth be told, I really wasn't cutting, but it still sucks. My eyebrow razor, pencil sharpener razor, pocket knife, all of them, gone. Maybe I should have spaced them out a bit more... Note to self; remote in desk, Patrick painting, worry stones.

Another thing going on lately, I really wish my mom just let me be oblivious to the teasing and even flat-out bullying happening around me. I can't believe I used to think people were just being funny when they barked at me or called me emo or made other weird noises to mess with me. I was dumb but at least I didn't realize how horrible everyone is. Like, the other day I practically had a breakdown about it. Like, an uncontrollable sobbing kind of breakdown. And I was just talking to my mom about how people hate me for no reason and how terrible it feels to know that someone's first thought when they see you is to call you names.

Now, it wasn't just for no reason. Earlier that day I had some big green eyeliner on and around my eyes and some kid had called me the joker in the halls, and later (when getting on the bus) even yelled out, to the entire school, that there was a clown going to our school. You can't see it but I'm crying now just thinking about it. And to top it off, I told my friends about it and they just told me that I looked more like the grinch or that I did look like a clown. Od the second time, Riley, Jacey, and Kiarra even saw it and did nothing. They didn't even acknowledge it afterward and once I brought it up asking them if I really looked like a clown they couldn't even bring themselves to say I didn't. And that day, the entire week sucked. Ajay was messing with me, Josiah was messing with me, and Oliver kept repeating over and over that my cat was probably dead and disassembled somewhere in the woods. I practically begged him to stop but he didn't so I let it be. It's not like I acted super upset either. Plus, the next day he did it again and when I told him that it really upset me he apologized and we went back to normal.

I just can't believe that someone could live with themselves after saying that shit to someone. They see me, insult me, and them what? Feel better about themselves? How? I just can't comprehend it, you know? How wrong does your life have to go in order for you to feel that way? I can't even put it to words. I think I'd kill myself if I were even half that evil. And my least favorite part, people see me and the way I'm treated and it discourages them from dressing how they want. They see me getting messed with and bail out of being any sort of original. I see it all the time and it makes me feel like it's MY fault somehow for letting them say that to me. Not letting them get away with it, my fault that they said it in the first place. And I know that people who used to or even still are my friends refuse to associate with me because I'm different.

And as a final kick in the balls, my friends who actually continue to dress like they want are bullied into being socially hostile, self-harming, or even suicide! None of my friends or anyone I know has gotten away with it but I'm terrified that they'll succeed. Like, some of my friends don't even like showing pictures of themselves in group chats for fear of someone making fun of them. Like, why can't these assholes leave my friends and I alone!? Or even just my friends. I'd take it all just for them to be left alone. I'll get pushed, called names, humiliated, and my emotions played with, all for them to be left alone. Because I can take it and I refuse to change who I am, but some people aren't as strong.

In conclusion, fuck Ajay specifically, fuck all people who make fun of others, and I need some sleep. I don't want to leave this on a sour note though so I'll remind you. We are so much better than them! They only say these things because they're jealous of us and how confident in ourselves we are. Once they're older they'll realize what they did and hopefully they'll change. In the meantime, never change who you are for someone else, if they don't like you, that's their problem.

Also, here's some cute cat memes : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXwZMAz9Vh8
And normal funny memes : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z641Cbx6g74

Love yourself! Nighty night!

~ Gentleman