Love, life and loss
2022-11-27 22:30:03 (UTC)

Lonely and angry

Tonight feeling lonely and angry
Just taken sleeping tablet hoping knocks me out after delaying it for a couple hours

Managed half hours sleep in ryans arms earlier after we had hugged and cried together. He held me through the flashbacks and it was everything I needed until he told me he missed intimacy and asked how soon after labour you can have sex
I am not an angry horrible person but that comment made me lose it
Forget how soon after you can physically have sex. Fuck off
Emotionally and mentally it's the last thing I want
If you miss intimacy then fuck off and find it elsewhere and maybe you'll find a woman who can make you a dad whilst your there because I cant

He says he wasnt asking for it. He says he loves me, cuddles me, reassures me, calls and texts me all the time, knows me inside out

I love Ryan so much and he says he same. I spent as much time with him as I did with raz in the 10 years before raz died and since then weve spent every possible minute together
Until Erin died
Then hes spent every minute working as well as overnights
Or at his mums
But its ok he wants to be with his family
Hes lucky to have a family that care

I dont actually know how but I need to get on with life
With or without Ryan
I want t be with him
Hes a big part of my life and always has been
I love him and want to spend forever with him
But I also want him to be a daddy and I csnt do that for him
I worry he will walk away from me as I'm such a crying wreck
So If hes goin to leave then needs to go now
Leave me to pick up pieces
Deal with loss of Erin and ryan and being on my own forever more
Get it done
Then I can live a sad pathetic life on my own with nothing but a dog
Exactly what I deserve for bbeing a ctao mum and not being able to save my girls

Ths taken so long keep noddingodf then waking up headache so bad
On highest dose an stillkeep seeing her eyes and face and t bitxh nurse snatching her so goin to take another tablet see if that can knock.me out
Or another 2 or 3 tablets whatever works so I can get out this head for a while it's getting dsngerous to be in it