Love, life and loss
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2022-11-27 15:38:05 (UTC)

16 days since I was told my baby girl wasnt..

16 days since I was told my baby girl wasnt going to make it
15 days since I gave birth
9 days since my milk came in just to remind me my body had had a baby but I had nothing to feed like a slap in the face
Still bleeding a lot
My heart isnt right and I need to get checked. I've had two shocks to restart it and flits between high and low
Labour and delivery has fucked it up again
But at least I dont have 6 weeks of no driving or c section recovery with no baby so having Erin normally was necessary
The worst is my heart gives up
And so what?
I have very little left in life and the only things keeping me going are so young theyd soon forget me probably easier to forget me now than when older

2 full days until the funeral
I don't want to go
I dont want to say goodbye forever
I dont want to watch her coffin being lowered into a dirty muddy fucking hole on the ground!!!!!
So broken
I just cant do it

Yet here I am being asked to write down what I want to say to my baby girl on Wednesday so if I cant do it someone else can read it

Erin my precious girl, mummy will be strong and brave and will stand up there and talk to you, about you and nothing will stop me. I cant promise not to cry but I'm not letting you down my darling. I will try and write something just incase but it's so much pressure
I will know what tosay when it comes out of my mouth on wednesday

Until then I am living in limbo, not sure what I'm waiting for
Wednesday wont resolve my heartache
It wont bring you back
It wont being your sister or Raz back
It wont fix my crumpled mess of a life
It wont make going to work any easier it just brings that closer

The only thing Wednesday brings is an end to the limbo feeling and forces reality upon us, where we have to find a new normal without you in my tummy, without you on the future we had planned out in our heads
It forces me to go home to the very place i dont want to be and cant bear to be right now

I cant see through tears. My blood sugars are all over, my heart is racing, I'm a tired emotional snotty mess and have no one to turn to
Well no one thet deserves to put up with my snotty mess. My friends are amazing but they should be spared of the wreck that is me so i will do this alone somehow

I'm done with today

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