Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-27 00:51:45 (UTC)


Mike is gone, he went to a party, where he will be drinking so he is staying the night there, being responsible he says. Well, not to bring up the past but I believe he has told me before that he was staying at this 'friends' house before and actually had a hotel. So yeah, no trust issues going on in my head. He text me about the last post 'you said you never bought drugs but you had a dealer, see the truth comes out. Dude, I had a dealer years ago, I'm sure he still deals or at least would know someone that does. I was just saying I was having a 'moment' it passed and it is gone. I'm just saying if I truly wanted drugs I could find them, but I don't tho

My feelings tonight are pretty fucked up, I was going to go out, fuck this sitting at home doing nothing....but I ended up sitting home and doing nothing. I was going to wash the sheets but I will sleep on his side tonight to be able to smell him and wash them in the morning. I miss him, I miss us, we will never be the same and I realized that tonight and it breaks my heart. He wanted me to put him first, so daughter was going to move in with her boyfriend, putting him first. That's not enough for him. I don't get him at all.

He has a real life beautiful woman who loves and adores him
He has a woman who is battling some really strong demons, but she is kicking ass
He has a real life woman who is here, wanting to do things with him, wanting to share his life with him, I AM HERE NOW
He has a real life woman who is totally sexually compatible with, we fit perfect together
He has a real life woman whose father is about to have double bypass surgery and he is 80 years old, so I kind of need you now, but you aren't here
You could have it all
but you are making some fucked up decisions, in my opinion

Tonight, I just feel over this bullshit

I will not be put on the side, maybe I love you enough, maybe I don't. fuck that

you married me for better or worse, 10 days before our wedding you were diagnosed with MS, you said "you should just leave me, you have enough on your plate" I replied exactly "I don't care if you are a talking head in a bed, as long as you are still kind to me I will always stay with you" and I meant that.

I have a 'problem/disease' drug addiction and it's run for the fucking hills. I can't take this shit anymore, you either love me or you don't. I mean I know he loves me but does he love me enough?

I thought we were in it for the long haul. Do you know none of his 'friends' know me? isn't that weird? He just went back to work this year, that's when he started having friends. Kim and I stopped in his work one time and he wasn't there, he was doing a bank run. We didn't wait for him and he called super PISSED, I am to never stop up there without calling first, I mean he really degraded me like a fucking kindergartener. I thought it was because he was a closet smoker, he didn't know I knew he was lying about that. He did call back later and apologize, something about the guy and some drama, whatever.

He used to be so proud of me, he posted photos of us/me all the time on facebook, well up until about 2 years ago, I am pretty non existent on his facebook, in factl pretty non existent in his life period. Why didn't I see, or can't I see, or refuse to see that he has already checked out of this marriage?

I can't save this by myself and he doesn't seem to want too

He told me today that he looked at an apartment that is available I believe December 16th, wtf???? I thought we were working things out, I am so fucking confused

Fuck this, let me make a decision for us, so I don't have to live in constant confusion and you don't have to be so fucking miserable being married to me

I will leave, fuck this, you can keep this place and have a happy life

I have to move forward I can't keep stuck, and that's exactly where I am

does he love me enough?

probably not

but I thought he did

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