Dear Diary,(sexual content in second half of entry, Rated R)
Its a little after 3 am, I crashed out around 10pm last nite, so Im still back on my travel sleep schedule, which I dont mind right now.
Things did get better the later afternoon on Thanksgiving. I got myself together enough to finish cooking the meal. And had to have some help with something and came to ask him and he came in the kitchen at that point and was totally nice the rest of the day helping me. All was good, we had a good meal, we ate, all of that, then an argument came up out of nowhere, he began to go off on me when I asked that he not eat all the bakery cookies, like he came at me, and wouldnt stop, and is yelling about doing basic math and saying IM calling him a liar? It was so crazy, I was literally covering my ears asking him to stop and what the heck? ANd he wouldnt. He finally walked off when I was saying "STOP PLEASE STOP" and holding my ears, and he walked off and shut his office door.... I could have easily just isolated, gone upstairs and blew him off the rest of the day and he would have just played video games. But I didnt, I went in the door, and stood their calmly and did my best, I didnt erupt, I remained calm and firm. ANd he just wanted to argue that I was calling him a liar, and that I need to do basic match and count how many cookies, that IM full of shit,,, Im all what the heck? This isnt about math and cookies! Let it go! What the heck!
He was so cold, stoic and his body language, I sat down and talked to him, told him "What is it that I have asked of you? I dont deserve to be talked to this way" and some harsh ouch things were said, Like I told him the last romantic Christmas I had was with gym guy when we dated and I broke up,,, and is that my last nice christmas memory I have with a partner? Is that all I have to hold onto? And about how the holidays have sucked, well he got upset and said "Thats on you! I have never enjoyed the holidays, but dont blame your not celebrating on me!" and yes that is true, that is on me, but I did remind him that he doesnt help when hes not on the same "Team" if you will.... and then I just brought up our sex life... said "Its like this, do you think Im a good wife?" He said "Yes" I said "So our sex life, I took all this time to research and learn about blow jobs, and do that for you, and I wonder do you think "Damn Ive got it made!" ? All the things I will do, yell your name and tell you how amazing your cock is, dont you think it would be nice, if the very thing I ask for, some kind words and a little softness could be something you could give me? I mean Arent you thinking "Damn Ive got it good, I want to give her what she is asking for"?
He just sat there in silence, a long long pause and then "Well Im so sorry your life is so terrible, and Im hearing you say you fucked up and made a bad choice in marrying me"
I didnt loose it, I said "I hear you deflecting and shifting off yourself"
more silence and long pauses.
I said again "What is the one thing I have asked of you that I need, this woman sitting across from you what is it she needs?" He said "A hug, soft words and be told things will be okay" and he came over and finally hugged me.
And we stood there, it was late, our brains were fried, he went to bed, And I went upstairs for awhile on my laptop, came to bed just after midnight and crashed out.
I did talk to a friend online and cried because they were being so nice to me and saying "WTF?" to the things I said happened.
Thing is, I havent talked to anyone about this stuff, Ive been protective of him as my spouse. I would tell a counselor this stuff, but not my friends or family, I dont want to poison the well if you will and have them be cold and judgemental towards him hearing this stuff.
But I also know I dont get feedback, and Im in this bubble with him, he has no friends of family really to talk to or go see. So Im it, me on the other hand I reach out and go see people, not a lot of people here where I live, but home in Ca yes, and IM going soon in Jan. But even on the homestead in another state I feel I have more of a community and new friends/family there.
Also I sent my kids both a text, and my youngest, the one with the drug issues that I had to block for several wks, I unblocked to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving and tell him I love him. He said he was so happy to hear from me and loved me too, then I got 3 long texts about God, and how hes an Angel Alter and has been all his life and is to deliver me a message not of mercy, and that Im to accept all the prophets (L Ron HUbbard, Joseph Smith, Ghandi and how they are all Jesus) this is the ramblings he starts, and gets super adamant telling me hes sent to warn me and the end is near. Sighhhhh
So needless to say my Holiday had a lot of emotional stuff going on. I felt like I had an emotional hangover that next morning. But Friday turned out to be so much better.
Husband was holding me, I played some podcasts, he listened, on Masculinity I found, some Esther Perel vids.
And he had his hands under my shirt, and then he just began to touch me, he knows how, and soon he had me aroused and my body going limp against his touch, my back arching and me being so aroused just from the nipple play he was doing.
I think all that tension and stress from the day prior, it was like Make up sex if you will.
Very passionate, He touched me a long while and got me so worked up and then I leaned my head back and held his head and we kissed. slowly, I just let that sensual girl in me out, thats who I am, that is ME and I want to be HER. So I let her fully come and be me.
He soon made his way into my pants and slowly teased and touched me... I was so worked up and then he took down his pants and mine and positioned himself sideways, and I was on my back and angled towards him and he pressed himself into me and oh gosh
Yes we have a good sexual rhythm now, things flow really well since all the sexual changes happened, but there are issues in our communication outside the bedroom that desperatly need work.
I just needed to let go and forget and reconnect, good or bad? I just needed it and climbed up on top of him so aroused and rode him and I came twice. WOW! Like I said, I have had trouble orgasm that way for the past yr, then I went on the trip and came home and I have no problem orgasming again from strait sex? No vibrator assistance, which is wonderful!
He left me alone a lot of the day, which I needed, I went to the high school and did laps, cant even say how many as I talked to friends on the phone and did some lunges also. Came back home and the weather was gorgeous so I watered plants, cleaned stuff on the porch and started on the sunflower garden that is dead now and ripping all the stalks out and cleaning that up. I spent a lot of time outside and discovered I had beets growing on the ground outside the garden box! I didnt even know they were beets! I put seeds down and never knew I had beets in the garden! And the seeds fell to the ground just below the box, I yanked one out yesterday but I have more to pull.
Came in later, and husband went and took a long nap, well after dark, I had all the leftovers heated and it was like Thanksgiving Part 2, I felt so cozy, ate by myself on the couch watching youtube vids with dim lighting, poured my apple cider with a shot of moonshine drink we had mixed in and just enjoyed the peace and solitude.
He woke up well after I had eaten, and I went and soaked in the bath, by the time I got out he has made the fresh whip cream, we had still not even touch the pumpkin pie! And I had a piece and literally passed out laying on him on the couch before 10pm
Things are not all better around here, there are some changes that need to be made, Ive found some really good videos therapy type help ones and Ive been on the hunt for a counselor for myself again. Im just not in a place now where that is easy to find nearby so Im having to resort to online or phone type therapy,
So yeah,,, Im doing better,,, Today is holiday celebrations, parade, tree lighting and christmas market, so things to get out and do.
I have been talking to my gf a bit more also. I think goal is to invest in my friends a bunch more over this next yr, if I didnt type that before, go and do more visits, get away and stay with friends, long time ones and cultivate those friendships more.
THey are closer then family and I love them
Oh and husband told me his sis texted him, the last Uncle(not blood) wrote her off for having dated a black man(in the past) and said hes not doing well, health wise. Shes been kissing his ass hoping for $$ when he dies(his family is fucked up with that stuff, so much money greed drama and why he and his sis dont talk) But hubby, his sis, this Uncle and one cousin are all tied together in one property and split the rent for it in Ca. Nice property but the Uncle has a bigger share and wanted to tear it down and build a big place, hes in his 80s and hubby just wants out and to be bought out and they could have sold it for crazy $$ during the housing boom, he would love to see it sold, and he and his sis have been on the outs for yrs, (shes an unhappy nasty woman)
And he knows it, I know it,
He will most likely outlive them all , his sis is morbidly obese and is not well either but shes our age.
Oh and I spoke to my big sis the other day to for a long time, she does NOT sound good, I said "Shes slipping" shes in her 60s and diabetic and shes been on ozempic? and not being honest with me about whats up with her and I just listen and have to read between the lines with her. It causes her to have no appetitie, but she keeps talking like shes pre diabetic and this shot cures it, she just does it , but she told me people are coming up to her at work and saying "Whats going on with you? You look different" and that is scary to hear, something is visible... and her answer to me? "Its the word of God" glowing thru her is what she thinks they are seeing????
So half the phone convo was her being out there with stuff like that... sigh
Alright, gotta go...