Joan32384

Am I crazy or is this normal thinking?
2022-11-26 09:08:43 (UTC)

Unsettling news

Well I received some unsettling news tonight. First, I have been battling mentally and emotionally with a romantic situation. That's an another story that I'm just not ready to tell in full yet. But mostly I've been struggling with the fact that I'm not enough. That im 2nd best to someone else. So my oldest calls me and tells me she wanted to tell me before I read on social media that her dad, my ex-husband got married today. Now a little background, which is also another story, but I was married for 10 years we have 3 beautiful daughters together. He spent most of the time at the bar, sometimes not coming home at all. And cheated frequently. But there was 1 woman he went back to repeatedly, as far as I know off and on for the last 7 years of our marriage. We live in a small town and he wasnt concerned with being secreative about his infedlitys and i was told often of his indiscretions. I found out later my father even knew and told him not to flaunt it in public. I defended him i told them they were wrong. When we separated it started on a Thursday things got really bad, he didn't come home all weekend. Monday I contacted an attorney. Tuesday I told him I had a meeting and he said he will go to his parents. 2 weeks later he moved in with her. That was 8 years ago. Now don't get me wrong I have no desire or had any desire to reunite with him. I wasnt happy with him. But I have most of my life and very currently am struggling with the fact that I am never chosen. Noone choses me first, noone wants to be with me, I have never been someone's end game and I don't think I ever will. And I really am truly not a terrible person and do not wish for awful things to happen to someone but I believe or used to believe in karma and I thought my ex will get what he deserves for what he did to me. 7 years, I stayed home and raised 3 babies virtually by myself. I not only looked like a fool but was the fool. And stupid. Naive. Apparently I conjured up this ideal family life in my head and thought I was living it. Only to find out it was all a lie. I was humiliated. Hurt because I chose to give up dreams to live in this lie. Hurt because once again I wasn't the chosen one, he only stayed out of obligation. Once I made the choice to end things he quickly moved on to what he really wanted. And 8 years later they are still living happily ever after and now are married. Why? It's not fair. He cheated, he was wrong, he hurt me, made me look stupid. Surely there should be some kind of karma coming to him. And again, I don't wanna see anyone hurt but really? Married. That's not karma, that's him living out his life where he wants to be, happy, with his end game. No repercussions at all, none! I did what I was supposed to do. I worked I didn't go out, I stayed home cooked dinner, helped with homework took care of the house. I went to church, I coached soccer and cheerleaders. I was devoted, faithful! Unhappy but I didn't openly hurt him, humiliate him. I made the choice to walk away. I thought i deserved to find someone who really loves me and i will happily spend the rest of my life with, the end game. Now 8 years later, one failed relationship after another. I was supposed to be the one who got to be happy, the strong one who made the right choice and walked away to find my happily ever after. He wasnt supposed to win, he was wrong. He was the one who didnt respect me or our marriage. He wasnt supposed to find his happily ever after. At least i should have been the one to find happiness and love first. I deserve that, i earned that. Right? And the current relationship hurts bad. Im realy struggling with this one. So when is it going to be my turn. When do I get my happily ever after. It's not fair. It's not fair that my ex got to have it all. Why does he get to have it all when he was the one who messed up. Maybe if things with the current man weren't so bad right now this wouldn't have stung as bad. My head is so messed up, I don't which way is up. I don't know if I should follow my head or heart at the moment and the last couple of days has been really hard. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that I am currently 2nd best and how to handle this. And then bam!! I get hit with this news. It just amplifies my feelings of loneliness, of not being good enough. So the fact that I walked away, I chose to find happiness but he did instead hurts. It is just another bad reminder that I was never and probably will never find my happiness, my happily ever after. I thought I did with this one. Now I'm thinking the whole thing is just another lie that I made up in my head to be something, to be real, to be the end game. I don't think i was ever even considered as the end game for anyone. And this is just a devastating fact that it will never happen. Why? Don't I get to find my one. Why don't I get to be happy. Why am I always the one being used. The stop to keep the occupied until they find the one. It hurts. My heart hurts. This came at the worse time for me mentally. It's a catastrophic realization that I'm not ever going to find my end game, my happily ever after. I did everything right. Or at least I think I did. I think I'm a good person. Ibdont try to hurt people, I always put others needs before my own, always help. I had hope, I clung to that hope for so long. But this current relationship and now the news of my ex is cutting the already thin strands of hope I had left. It's over. It's not going to happen. Amd I think some people are just not meant to find happiness in love. But if this is it for me. No happily ever after with love, I will be alone forever. I will spend the rest of my days alone and unhappy. I am going to die alone. If this is it, I am going to live each day sad, lonely always wondering why am not enough. Why I don't get to find love. I don't want to do it. I hate the way I feel. I don't wanna live right now feeling like this. And I definitely don't wanna live day after day for months years feeling like this. I don't understand. What did I do wrong to deserve this cruel life long punishment. It's not like one bad thing happened, ok I did something wrong I deserved that. Karma! No this is ongoing. This is daily, everyday for the past 40 years. I know I'm notbperfect and I've made mistakes and did things wrong and have hurt people. I never meant to but I have. But I truly don't think that warrants life long misery. Or maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I am worse than what I believe and I do deserve this. What if once again I imagine that I'm this good person but I reality I'm really not. And I do deserve toblive a life of unhappiness. If that is true then i dont wanna live like that either. I dont wanna live as a bad person. I want to be a good person. if I did do something horribly wrong to deserve a life of misery as my punishment, I don't get to be happy but I don't get to exit life either. I have to live each day doomed to feel such sorrow a reminder of my wrong doings of my mistakes am everlasting punishment. I don't want to live at all!!




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