theorizing fool

Processing Life
2022-11-25 03:11:58 (UTC)

Into the Void

Hello diary, thank you for being my last resort outlet. It's been so hard these days. I don't have anyone to tell these to so I'm shouting into the void. My mind is all jumbled up and foggy. I don't have the motivation to do anything in this state, much less work. I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. My body knows I want eternal rest. But there's so much I want to tell you. I want to translate these tears into words, hoping that this would lessen my suffering. There are just so many things going in my mind. It temporarily goes away when my reason comes back but it keeps coming back. It's time I face it. It's time I acknowledge it and do something about it. I have to accept that in the end, I am all alone, and I am always alone, regardless of who comes into my life.

I'm drowning in my sorrows. I can't relate to people anymore. I've become socially awkward. I have forgotten how to make friends. I think it's true, people need people. I need people. But everyone feels so out of reach. This new life is just another prison. I'm always going to be in a prison, because it is my mind keeping me here. I can't escape it, because it's me.

I know I'm affecting those around me negatively. I don't want to do that to them. But I can't control myself. The suffering leaks out. This has always been the reason for my periods of isolation. But now my strength is all gone. I am so tired of hurting. I can't let go. Because I know that if I do, I will die. And I know that that's what I want but I don't have the courage to do it myself. I know that if I let go, it will be endless suffering, more intense than last year's traumatic events. I just wouldn't be able to handle it, especially all alone, truly alone.

I've reached my breaking point last year. You would think that surviving that would mean that I've become stronger, that I'd get empowered because I've proven to myself that I can get through harsh things. But no. The result is just me prioritizing myself, setting up boundaries with people who abandoned me, with people in general actually. I don't tolerate bullshits anymore. They tell me I should forgive them because they're family. But they've abandoned me so many times. I wasn't asking for much. I just wanted them to listen to me and not judge me. I'm trying to but I don't think I can ever forgive them for laughing at the traumatic events that happened to me. They belittled them and refused to listen. I asked for a little bit of money because of an emergency in the hospital as well and they refused. It's not like I wasn't going to pay them back. I didn't ask for much, really. It was only a few thousands when they're earning millions monthly. It's not about the money. It's everything they did. I asked for help over and over because I was desperate. They left me alone in my most vulnerable state. What's worse, they made me choose: my family or my choices. And then they felt heartbroken that I chose myself. They see it as me not loving them. I see it as them trying to control me. How did they react when I told them everything that's happening to me? Tell me straight to my face, "we're going to withdraw all of our help to you and we will not help you at all." Just because they didn't agree with my decision. They want me to end up like them, in marriages where they're comfortable but not happy, tolerating their useless husbands, doing all the work, being a martyr. I don't care anymore what they see me as. My relationship with them will never be the same again. They judged me so fast. They didn't care to listen to my side. I tried to explain so many times and they just kept shutting me down

I knew they were a shitty family to begin with. I tried to see the best in them. I tried multiple times to mend it. Got hurt multiple times. Finally mended my relationship with them. And then this happened. No more. I'm beyond broken. I'm beyond tired. That was the last straw.

My parents are growing older. They have a lot of health issues now. I'd help financially if I could but I don't have the funds right now. And strangely, I don't feel guilty. They're doing fine without me too. They can live their lives without me. It's not like I can be of any help anyway. I'm struggling as well.

There's still so much I want to tell you but I have to force myself to work. I hope I succeed. I don't have an actual life. It's just work, work, work to survive. Endless work. My soul is missing.