GoodGirl

Sadness THanksgiving

Dear Diary,
I was totally fine today, all this am... and then about an hour ago, it all just went away.

I asked hubby to do ONE thing (Take out the thing in the turkey and bag of giblets) thats ALL HIS TASK WAS!! THATS IT! I had the turkey in the sink to help defrost more, he said it was done and took it out too soon, he slept till 11, I was out in the kitchen at 8, its just the 2 of us for Thanksgiving. Doing a smaller turkey, pie, sweet potatoes, stuffing, mashed potatoes, bread, and gravy, I got up and made the pie, the sweet potatoes, got the dirty in the sink to help defrost more, got all the pans out. Things were good. Listened to music, talked to friends online, gf back in Az texted me too.

The husband yells at me from across the house, I even decided to put a dress on, was doing my makeup I walked past him 3 times he just sat on his computer didnt notice... I was in the middle of changing to a diff dress and he yells at me across the house (first off I hate that) and then hes basically wanting me to come assist him to get the junk out of the turkey, Im all my skirts on the floor, Im half dressed and I yell back "What? IM getting dressed?" Then I get "OHh wellll am I bothering you!???" in a snarky tone, I said I was getting dressed, and he tells me he needs me to come turn the sink water on for him? I mean seriously?????? WTF. this is all you gotta do and you cant touch the sink handle and clean it after if your worried? I was so annoyed, I came in and did the task, and came back to the bedroom and said Fuck the dress, and put on pants. I had my makeup all nicely done, now Im crying, screw that too

YOu know what it is? SInce the day I met him hes hated holidays and Ive tolerated his moody bullshit and reasons not to celebrate or isolate, WHY THE FUCK DID I DO THAT? WHY HAVE I?

Im a holiday girl, I love traditions. Ever since Ive been with him, Christmas fucking sucks, hes not into it, Hes not into doing a tree, christmas music, I make sure we do at least a small gift because I was too sad too many christmas mornings waking up to doing nothing do made it so its just something small and meaningful, like under $20 and a card. Im not materialistic, Im not into getting things, so its not that at all.

Its the thought, its the care, Im sorry it sucked for him but now it has to suck for me as a result? Do I have to be on board and live out his fucking holiday trauma till the day I die? Ive had mediocre holidays because of him, even when I had my kids at home, him hiding in the office on the computer and opening gifts alone when the boys were at home. Halloween (him playing video games in the office)

Hes okay with birthdays or anniversaries, but he doesnt like any of the other ones and goes on the rant about commercialism. Fine, but what about just some loving time together? Our time?

When I broke up with him when we were dating, I dated a guy from the gym for several mos. He came over, helped me put the lights on the tree, had chirstmas music, I remember making out and laying on the couch next to the lights, it was very romantic, and so ME. That is the kinda girl I am.

But I cant be her, not with hubby and Im just going thru a lot of stuff right now I have accepted and WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?????

My mom died the wk before thanksgiving, she was always who I was around and made the holidays, my kids are ding dongs in their 20s and drug abuse for one, so I dont see them either. So its just me and hubby

We have eated out a few thanksgivings or gotten food to take home, but it was kinda blah and not that good, so I opted to just a small meal of just my fave things at home, and thats what Ive done third yr now. And its just that Im talking to people about their lives, what they do, and also doing a writing prompt on memorable holidays and reading what others write and realizing how much I miss the simple joys of the holiday, light hearted fun, laughter, no stress type people. Im not about deadlines and being rigid, just fun and laughter, good talk, no worries on a time frame or if things dont turn out perfect, its just being together right?

And I asked for him to leave the kitchen, Id rather do this stuff alone, hes too intense, he freaks out, in his mind and his explanation he says hes not mad, but he gets frustrated easily and voices it, and he doesnt realize how harsh he sounds and is, cause hes in his own fucking head all the time with nobody else to tell him otherwise, he lives in an echo chamber of himself or ME

And Ive got my own trauma, no mom, no kids, and I dont like being talked to harshly, plain and simple and this has been ongoing since the day I met him.

I had an assignment to write about 2 important events in my life, 2 most important, and I wrote 1, and it was a frickin essay and a look at myself, and it had to do with traveling alone my first time and spreading my wings and that solo trip I did after mom died, I loved it and I was asked if I only like solo trips now since I seem to do them often.

I said No, thats not the case, its my partner, he freaks out over traffic, parking, places hes not used too, we have had arguments on fourth of july and valentines day of him going nuts in the car cause he cant find a parking spot, to the point he just says Fuck it and wants to go home???? And Im all "let me drive, Ill do it" IM not bothered by such things, plus I can parrallel park well and he cant so he skips all these spots, but he gets so spun out and wont let me drive and it just escalates to a full blown argument and we have missed out events, or been in the car for hours arguing and me in tears.

We have a lot of these moments as a couple and I guess Ive always felt I need to learn to "Suck it up" with this stuff, but Im not doing well with that either, Im sensitive, emotional, and I cry, and when I cry, he gets frustrated and angry and gets mad. When I just need softness and kindness and a hug.

And like today he just argues that he doesnt get what Im saying or that it bothers me, A common thing, I say back "I dont care that you DONT GET IT, it doesnt invalidate my feelings, why not acknowledge how I feel instead of telling me I shouldnt or you "dont get it" and just know that its so and let me express myself and give a care what I have to say?

ALL I EVER FUCKING HAVE NEEDED IS SOME SOFT WORDS

Meanwhile I woke him up in the middle of the night horny AF and put his hand between my legs and we went at for over an hour.... and I wore that man out, and I do my best to enjoy things, make the best of moments and be an awesome wife, if I take that much effort to do all this, why cant you fucking just give me a soft tone of voice and listen to me? Hell Ill yell your name in bed all you want and tell you to fuck me and how awesome your cock is, but cant you just give me something in return????? THe areas that i need in my life that are important to me!?

Cant I just have that too, Please?

God Im a sobbing mess,,, going to get myself together, put on music, prep thanksgiving alone and go somewhere else in my head