A lifetime of pain and healing
Thanksgiving at work as usual ..
Thanksgiving at work as usual this year. I haven't had much time to write. I've been working. It's been busy. Nothing too extreme happening. My mom said she wasn't doing holidays and then last night asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving and I told her I have to work and now all of a sudden she is thinking about attending a Thanksgiving. I about feel like she was hoping I couldn't attend anything. I really struggle with cutting them all out of my life. It's hard to realize I basically have no one and then cut myself off from the few people I know even though they clearly love hoping and praying I fail at life. While also excluding me from things to my face. I hate the feeling that I feel the need to even go to anything they are involved in. I feel like I'm always searching for a family. Searching for somewhere to belong. It's kills me that I have these feelings at all. I try so hard to feel the opposite. My husband is like in a depression of some sort so if I hadn't been working today I guarantee he would claim his stomach is hurting. It's always magically hurting when we are supposed to be at an event with family. The crazy thing is it's his family that we attend holidays with. He's like in a loner phase and I'm over here trying to have a normal family holiday. So it really clashes. Last year I attended them alone. I wonder sometimes if we had kids if he would be the same way and short them out of a holiday because he didn't want to do it. So this year I don't see the point in taking off for holidays just to do it on my own and have to make excuses for him not being there. I'm debating on putting up a Christmas tree this year. I really just don't feel like it. Just more of a hassle than anything to decorate when I'm the only one attending Christmas because my husband will say his stomach hurts and lay in bed. It's not worth the argument with him. I could make him feel bad about it but that's not really healthy.