rotten

cray-cray runs in the family

again it's taken me too many days to write. it's messing up my head and made me realize how much of a lifeline this diary has become... i hope i'm able to pick the habit back up again. i need this shit.

i can't even remember what i wrote about last time. i feel like a lot has happened and then again like nothing has. the fur baquette is still the best thing in my life, the peer leader training still isn't my fave but each monday it seems to get a bit more bearable. i'm currently carless, as my tin baby is at my mum's - she picked it up from the shop today. now it finally has them winter tires on and ae also changed the oils 'n shit. i'm getting it back on monday. i took the bus to the OT's today! well, at first i took a bus to the paja, then another one to the OT's & then two more buses home. i'm quite used to the bus nowadays but i still felt nervous as hell beforehand as i'd never made this particular trip before. all went well though. i loved the bullet journal group in the morning and the appointment with the OT was really good too, even though it kinda was the last one for now and that makes me sad. i felt suuper relieved when she addressed my issues and validated them, she had great recommendations and i hope some of them come true, i'd love to have those 10 OT sessions with her! and she let me borrow a tiny "time timer", i'm planning on trying it out with doing the dishes later on... anyway. i can't believe it's already wednesday.

the weekend was an emotional rollercoaster. the way it tends to be when our extended family is involved... it was my older aunt's (mum's side) 60th bday party on saturday. i went with mum, my sister & her fiancé a. it was exhausting, but also really nice. i loved seeing my cousins, especially the 2/3 of the three j's. she's always a pleasure, and he was one too - it'd been years since we last hung out. the oldest j was a no show, he or her wife had a flu plus she's preggo and they're not taking any risks, so. there's that. we planned to meet up in january, at least me, my sis and ms j. we're gonna try and get the other j's (their 2 and our 1) to join in too. i think one of them will be an easy one to convince but the other two... britney only knows. we'll see. annnnyway. i saw my grandpa as well, and that was an ...interesting exchange, to say the least. at that point he, mr. 90yo, had had quite a bit to drink and at first didn't even know who i was - which happens every time tbh. to him me and my sister are essentially the same person, and apparently not even us standing side by side is gonna change that. he did remember eventually, and went on to congratulate me for "having survived so well". at first i had no idea what he meant but then he said something about how if you grab "it" later in life it's usually end game, and then it hit me. he was referring to my mental health issues. it was a weird moment, but then i remembered gran had a medication and everything, so of course my issues would be something that stuck with him as well. he didn't pat my butt this time, which i appreciated, not that the way he's always done it had ever felt *too* uncomfortable, he's not slimy or anything, but i mean. it's still unnecessary.

my younger aunt had a few foot-in-the-mouth-moments that really made me bite my tongue. she's SO weird, and the way she talks about her children... the six of them... is beyond creepy and disturbing. she proudly told me and my mum she had jokingly called her 12-14 (idrk) yo (who she thinks "looks like a barbie doll"... 'funny' enough that's also how she treats her) "quite pretty but kinda fat" recently. it took everything in me not to go "ha. ha. ha. fuck you" out loud - i only ended up whispering it to my mum's ear. she mumbled something back in agreement. with that aunt, it's really no use, any of it. super sad for her kids but the only way to cope is to leave her be and just say nothing. feedback only amplifies her nonsense. it's insane. her 2nd oldest (the oldest daughter) t had her 3yo and a week old baby with her, and it seemed like her and 2/3 of her younger sisters are the ones taking care of those kids together. i think the father is from irak(?) and never participated anyway, so j told us t kinda kicked him out. good for her tbh, but still... it's just such a messed up family, as a whole. and i mean of course it is, it's a part of mine... rip sos sends halp etc. after a few beers & glasses of wine me and ms j got into discussing our uncle again, and the fact that she knew t had also been inappropriately touched by him as a kid AND had told her mum (and dad? not sure) about it, and .. no one did anything. nobody. nothing. HOW absolutely infuriating??! i can't even imagine how she must've felt, and i don't understand how she's still coping at all. our family truly is suuuch a fucking mess. at least when j told her mum she asked if j'd wanna press charges - the crime had already expired by then, but at least her mum offered. at least she did something to defend her daughter, even if it was against her own brother. he was gran's golden boy though, so... ugh. i feel sick just thinking about all this. i'm real glad i don't even recall what he looks like.

we also discussed father's day (that was a week ago). i told her i almost messaged her to ask how she was coping, and she said she was glad i didn't end up doing it. it's so sad they - the siblings - have never talked about their father's death. i mean i get it, kind of, as i don't know if i'd be up for it either if i had been the 12 yo boy to find his dad's dead body... but still. i'd imagine it'd be important for all of them, do them good. me and ms j have talked about it though, and i think that's at least a good thing. after all we both know it's nothing but sheer coincidence that it wasn't our dad who died, more like it's a miracle he's still alive (oh, grandpa asked about him too, "how's that dad of yours? oh, so no one's managed to kill HIM off yet?" ...i'm glad my sister was there to reply to that one, as i was stunned he would bring up my dad's dad being murdered, just like that. hey did i already mention how f'd up our family is!?) even though theirs isn't. ugh, this also makes me sick. onto a happier topic - our a was having the time of her life at that party, playing with t's 3yo and hanging out with the duo performing there. she was so brave singing in the microphone in front of everyone! they did twinkle twinkle little star and let it go, duh. obviously. the singer lady was a pro with the kids and only twice did my mum have to go grab a from the stage lmao

ohh and i had FOUR good nights of sleep in a row - fri-tue, at least 6 hours every night. first three at my mum's and then one here at home, with mum on the couch. it was magical. last night i didn't sleep at all though, so i guess the magic's gone. not saying i'm not gonna try and get it back, i definitely am, but not feeling very hopeful. i dyed my hair at around 6am tho, so at least i managed to spend the damn awaken hours okayishly. i really like being a tad darker again, right in time for the beginning of the winter. for a while now i had felt like i wanted a little change. nothing major, but a little something something. and that i did. might be a bit splotchy but idc. it's good enough.

ok so after the relative realness i slept like a baby, and even took a nap on the sunday afternoon. then i got to borrow my parent's car and went to see m in my old home town - we chatted in her room, went & got some milkshakes from mcdonald's and just. drove around for a bit. the hyundai is a really nice drive! nothing beats my tin can nissan, obviously, but still. it was nice. and the stirring wheel had a heater, so... * l u x u r y *! ok i'm getting all rambley here. it was nice to see her, as it always is. the only regret i have about moving here is that i had to leave her behind, i really wish we'd still live in the same city. i miss her every single day. a better friend doesn't exist. on monday morning we dropped my car off at ae's shop - mum insisted on driving it, as there was quite a bit of snow and the roads were icy, and she was worried i'd have a panic attack with the summer tires still on. turns out it wasn't all that bad, but i didn't mind driving the hyundai again hehe. she then dropped me off @ the peer leader training (again; patting myself on the back for going) and it turned out to be okay. when i got there i was asked what had stuck with me from the first two times, and i replied with "some anxiety." i explained the slow pace felt painful, and the leader told me it was okay to feel that way - gee, thanks, lol. ok i'm being a dick again, irl i promised i could take it, assured her i understood why the pace was slow and told her not to worry about me. yes i know i'm a saint (/s). this time we ended the day with a weird art exercize where we all painted the same canvas at the same time. it ended up looking like it was painted by a bunch of 6yos, but i think it did me some good. i really need to learn to loosen up a bit... either way, i survived another monday. four more to go!

me and mum went for a night trip to the grocery store - by foot! can you believe it? for some reason it wasn't as overwhelming as going alone, which kinda sucks to know. now i wish i had company every time. on tuesday she left and i did absolutely nothing. ok that's a lie - i studied spanish on duolingo. so much so that i single handedly tackled the friendship quest i had going on with c. ngl i was pretty proud of myself. i'm trying to get into the top 3 as i fell to the obsidian league and i don't like it. i did 8 weeks on the diamond league, and i'm gonna get my butt back up there! mark my words.

so yeah, today i went to the bujo group, the OT's, and then mi visited me for some coffee *and* glögi - cuz we extra like dat - and brought some pastries with her. we had good conversations about families, the toxic patterns we learned from ours, feminism, the stupidity of some (most) men. her relationship, my cuckoo relatives, the paja. it was really nice, i felt like i hadn't seen her in ages! november's just flown by really, it feels absurd. soon it's december! n's babyshower, my birthday, the cursed jolly holly. then a brand new year - maybe that one will be "my year"? one can only hope. i think i wanna write more about the OT later, but rn i'm gonna finish this. gonna go wash my face and the legos, then try and recapture the sleep magic. i think i wanna go to the paja in the morning, if only i can make myself to get up in time. again; we shall see.

ps danggg it felt good to write again! see you soon, dear diary.