Pillar of Light

Amine and Attention

I had a better day mentally today.
Tidying my room was definitely put me in a good mood.

This morning my oldest son needed a ride to school. Before he left I saw him spray on his cologne and check his outfit. It made me smile.
It almost brings me back to a young me. Always making sure I look just right and smell good.
It’s such a great feeling looking at your kids that are growing up and taking it all in.

My middle son had his counselor appointment today. We just started a few weeks ago. He’s very closed off and not expressing his feelings.
Today he mentioned that he’s always angry, and doesn’t know why. I never really noticed him as being angry.

Then he started talking about how when he does things that get him in trouble it’s worth it because he feels happy when he makes his friends laugh. I got really frustrated. I said it’s not worth it because you get everyone upset and get punished, all for one minute of fun with your friends.
I know he’s a smart kid, he’s always been super bright. But his reasons for acting up are not really adding up.
I’m just trying to listen and understand. The counselor suggested he tries going without electronics for time periods to see if it helps. I’m not going to limit him, I’m gonna let him practice his own self control and hopefully let him feel pride when he can do it.

When we got home he asked me to watch anime with him. It’s our thing we do together, so I said yes. I got my toddler distracted so I could sit on the couch with him and watch our Anime show.
Even though it’s not at my top list to do, and I felt overwhelmed with tasks I was planning to do; I know it makes him happy.

It’s something we bond over. He wants to hear my opinion on my favorite battles, and my predictions. It’s one of the only things I see him get so excited about. And he always gets a blanket so we can cuddle while watching. It’s really sweet.

He says harsh things to me when he’s defensive and arguing, but he loves spending time with me. Sometimes I feel that he’d rather do things with me than with his friends.

It’s really tough to figure out if I’m giving him enough attention. I am very busy, and my toddler takes up a majority of my time and energy. I’m promising to make an effort to put time aside for him everyday.