玲奈

玲奈's diary
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2022-10-28 12:48:30 (UTC)

I couldn't help myself

I blame myself for everything, I'm so selfish
I'd always think about what will happen to me without considering how it'll affect the people around me
If I die, then I'll die but death itself is such a selfish act
What about her?
Did you even consider how it'll affect her?
Didn't you know from the start that she already lost someone else?
You're just making her trauma much more painful

I don't know how to handle myself, I'm sorry
I had a really bad panic attack and I didn't know I was doing it already
its such a bad coping mechanism, I couldn't help myself
I couldn't help myself but prioritize everything else except myself
I couldn't help but worry for myself
I couldn't help but be so selfish and selfless at the same time
I'm sorry.

Overdosing, Cutting, and any form of self-harm was already with me for years now
but I never had the guts to finish it all, because deep inside I still can handle shit
Self-harm is my only way to escape from the oblivion
I'm trying my best to avoid all of them but I could never assure you that I won't do it again
I'm sorry

Hey I'm sorry, it was very careless of me to talk about suicide
I was clearly aware that you already lost someone else
And thank you, I have you
It's no longer "If ever the time comes that I'll suddenly die, I'm happy that I experienced this in my lifetime."
I think it's more of "I'll live longer so I can experience this more in my lifetime."
I realized that you're still here, and you care
I realized that someone will care if I threatened to die
I realized that someone will cry and suffer for me if I were gone

thank you, I'm sorry

Throughout my whole life, I didn't know what it meant to have a lover
I didn't realize that a lover could really be the closest person you can ever have
the person that you can be comfortable with
so much more than butterflies

thank you


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