2022-11-22 00:14:59 (UTC)


my inability to handle criticism is beginning to show. my patience is thinning.

i read all these journal entries again, looked at 23AndMe reports, trying to understand who i am and where i come from.
i learned a couple things. like i have nigerian and congolese ancestors, so that's cool. also ancestors in spain and portugal.
also i'm a lot more likely to move during my sleep, but muki could've told them that without the genetic analysis.
i also have an increased likelihood of asthma, migraines, and celiac disease. typical likelihood for everything else.
they guessed a few traits wrong, like my second toe being longer than my first. 50/50 chance to match pitch,
but my ears are pretty keen on notes, and i sang in choir.

i don't know what i was supposed to learn. at work, i fucked around because i didn't have access to the library.
i charted a couple notes and gave up. at least lunch with the non-nursing crew was nice. our case manager puts us through a lot.
i took shrooms and talked to guy today about sean. he came home shortly after. guy defended tej and matt's lack of consideration once again.
i would say he's too kind, but i get the same criticism all the time. just got in trouble for it since providing a space for students is apparently a no-go.
wherever i go, i can't vibe with the rules or the culture. maybe i do work better independently but i let fear dictate how it might actually go.
i know i can afford to be a bit more optimistic, but fear has a stronger influence on me than motivation does at the moment.
i just have a wicked fear of failure, as evidenced by the ten years of entries that consist of me bitching and whining about not doing more.
but i guess i also learned that i have integrated self-loathing, and can't often read these entries without invoking the memories and feelings i sealed inside of them.

i told my new therapist that i had an intention to find ways to make self-care feel less mundane. but smoking weed is so easy.
it is so goddamn easy. and i don't smoke so much that i start freaking out anymore. not sure if it's my tolerance or if i am no longer capable of achieving the first high i felt. no more chasing the dragon i guess. even t-breaks lose their power after a few days.

same habits. same shit. different days.