Evolving marriage
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2022-11-21 12:55:00 (UTC)

Morning musings

Dear Diary,
Good Morning, its around 6am but have been up a bit. Still on early wake up time from my travels.

I had a lot of alone time yesterday afternoon and eve, I was listening to some podcasts, reading and doing some writing on points.

Ive shifted from all the sex filled podcasts to more self help, self love, follow your dreams type podcasts.

And Ive also shifted to take better care of myself, the podcast yesterday was on knowing what your needs are, nothing tangible, but inside, emotions, etc. What are your needs?

You know things like Open communication, honesty, respect,,,, that type of thing.

Its hard when you sit down and have to actually put what you need into words, I found it more difficult to do.

But I started. I shared the podcast with hubby, he came in later after I never heard back from him about it, he just went on his computer for hours, then came in and said he felt blah and was going to bed, as far as the podcast he said "I didnt get anything from it, it was like the guy was talking loud and saying nothing, I listened to it twice, was there some actionable exercise??" I said yes to identify your needs and can you support someone elses and your own needs, can you allow yourself to have them met? and he said something about that seeming not that important or whatever his words were. Kinda made me sad, but its explains HIM. I went to hug him goodnight and hes telling me he feels sad and depressed, that hes used to it, its been a thing hes dealt with all his life.

And inside I feel bad, like I need to take care of him. I worry about him, but I just hugged him, said Im here if he wants to talk. Normally Id just lay in bed and comfort and rub his back, until he falls asleep. Not that he asks me for that, I just do it, but I was telling myself its not my job to do that, he also didnt ask for that.

And Ive always had this worry underneath with him, that if I upset anything around here, he could kill himself, I know thats a strong statement to make, but I fear things like that. Always have because hes had those thoughts before, not that hes ever held that over me, but I know its there.

I mean when a man is feeling sad and depressed. When hes without a job and direction, when he doesnt have friends to go spend time with or family and Im the center of his universe, Im what brings variety, different thoughts, ideas into his life? Where does he go? Thats also a lot of pressure I put on myself.

He joined the gym but hasnt gone since Ive been home and I just want to see him GO


I was so sorta resentful doing the yard work yesterday, he came out with a total attitude to start it, which is a constant with him. ive made excuses for that too, he doesnt like it, he has allergies, hed rather pay someone then do it. So I feel I cant ask for his help. But I was gone almost a month and all the leaves fell and it was BAD, all our walkways covered and all the rocks around our vacation rental, the porch, everything had a thick layer and you had to walk thru it and it was alll over your shoes, dry crispy leaves Im tracking inside. So I went out with the blower the other day just to clear the walkways, but I told him I needed his help to do the yard stuff, I did ask before I went home if he was going to do it for me? But he didnt. Its not even a thought, And that makes me sad, That he has all this time and why doesnt he do something to help? ANd why isnt he cooking for me? Helping since I got home, its like its back all on me, but hes not doing anything right now. When he was out of work long ago, he finally got into a mode of watching Rachel Ray and cooking dinners, I enjoyed that and we had some great dishes then.

When Im writing down my needs, I notice its things like KIndness, gentleness, honesty, fun/humor, beauty, creativity, open communication, affection

I feel quite a bit normal now too not as horny all the time, not as much desire to watch porn in wks, not wanting to talk sex and hear about it even. Ive turned more introspective trying to figure out why I feel the need to be so sexual and I think a lot of it is validation? Desire? I have always wanted to be able to make my man melt, with a word in his hear, a gesture, a move of my body, wearing a type of clothing, being able to walk past him and make him drop everything hes doing and chase me. Yes my husband wants me, but he doesnt do well with cues and subtleness, he wants me to straight up say I want sex, I want him, and I do that for him now, but I also have the part of me that misses the play part in it. Its a lot of playful banter and build up if you just have fun with it.

I have more notes and things to write about today from an Ester Perel podcast.

So not sure what today holds. Its kinda hard knowing he has no routine and is just hanging around, He did say he had fun with me yesterday doing the yard cleanup. I said "YOu did? I didnt get that impression?" He said "It was nice to accomplish something" and I can get that but man hes the worst at teamwork! He comes into tasks so serious, intense and argumentative. If I want to give him a break down on the job as Ive done it for yrs and he has hasnt, he gets all testy, I just wanted to show him where the sprinkler heads are before he started the mower, and he argued with me over that? Just set the mower tires higher! Im all Umm hello? YOu need to know this, several sit high after the fence job and arent put back yet as we havent had anyone come do that job yet. Its just stuff like that, Im all "Just listen let me go over it with you, adjust what you want. I dont care if it was someone I hired, Id show them this stuff." Its like this battle of wills/ego or something.

Hes not able to observe and anticipate things, or work in a system together, hes in his own head, so it gets difficult at times. So it also makes me get why I dont do a lot with him as there is that hastle, or his attiude just upsets my vibe, I can loose myself and be in a zen state working outside, but he can bring this stress/tension to it. Its like hes uncomfortable and angry or something with certain things, yard work being one.

Well thats enough for now

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