Pillar of Light
Continued from this morning…
I can’t remember how many years exactly since my brother passed.
A few months after he passed I was with my “sex partner at the time”, and he said it’s been months it’s weird that your not over it. He was just your brother…it seems like you were something closer.
Such a dick comment, but also dumb in my opinion. He was almost implying that we must have had a weird relationship for me to miss him that much.
The opposite is true for me at least. I feel more the loss of my blood than a sexual partner.
Growing up we had each other to learn from. We been through things kids should not have to go through.
When my dad would come home drunk he shielded me away in the room and told me he didn’t hit mom just to protect me from the heartache.
He was the one I ran to tell when I had been molested by my uncle and was the only one that believed me without question.
We watched a dead body being disfigured and disposed of when we were barely old enough to read. Never spoke of it after.
Fucking 80s in NYC made us grow up too fast.
We always had each other’s backs.
And we could read each other’s thoughts a whole lot.
He knew what I was planning to do before I even did it.
We used to have long deep talks. Those were the best. Life plans, hopes and dreams, his favorite discussion starter was “if you won 1 million right now , what would you do?” He had bright ideas for building generational wealth even as a teen. And some bad ideas like building a aquarium under the floor of his house so your walking on the glass. Lol
I used to imagine my future a good amount. The man I would marry was my best friend, I pictured this imaginary man as so chill that we never argued. A house with an in ground pool, one son.
A big part of my imagination was my brother and sister coming to visit with their kids. We would have these outdoor dinners under the umbrella tables while our kids ran around happily playing. Our kids would be as close as we are, because when I imagined all this I thought that’s how it worked.
So when I say things now about how I’m depressed, it’s because my dreams were almost all shattered. That picture will never ever come to be.
I want to move on and make a new vision for my future, but I can’t. I try over and over and it’s blank. I lost my ambition. I lost my spark. And I don’t know what I want anymore.
Maybe I broke the dream first. I gave in to my arranged marriage when I was sold on the idea that true love doesn’t exist. Me and my husband were never friends, he took advantage of me. If only I had the guts to stand up for myself, or had support from my mother. I chose to say yes because all I wanted at 18 years old was to be accepted by my family. And boy did they love me after that. It went from constant criticism to them being so proud of me.
With my brother gone, and his kids distant from us due to their mothers dramas…it’s down to me and my sister.
She has no idea how much I need her. We’ve also been through a lot together, but much more…because we lost our brother together. And now we are here trying to help hold our mother together.
I’ll call my sister Mya. I’ll write about her again.
You are amazing. You are loved. You are limitless. I am in awe of you!