Pillar of Light

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2022-11-20 15:42:38 (UTC)

Last night my husband came ..

Last night my husband came home after I wrote my last entry and I was falling asleep.
He thought it was to avoid him because of what happened the other night. He messaged me an apology and asked me to come out of the room. I got up and talked to him, he explained that all 3 things he told me that night was what happened in order….and he was just stressed about the business which made it slip from his mind to let me know why he was late. He apologized again for lying, and that he shouldn’t have got me upset.
I accepted his apology.
Then I told him that’s not why I was going to sleep early. I haven’t been feeling good; I’m tired and sad all the time.
He knew right away, he said “this happens to you every year at this time” it’s just the winter coming. I already knew this but it kind of made me feel relieved that is all it is, since I always get through it.

The month of November is really hard for me. I just want to skip it. Everyone is planning Thanksgiving and excited about Christmas coming. But for me, this year especially, Thanksgiving lands on the day I lost my brother.
It’s filled with complete loss and sadness. Heartbreaking memories and the shattered dream that me and my brother would grow old together, watching our kids play and grow.

My big brother and I were very close. He was the world to me growing up. He was very bright, charming, loving, confident,a little bit bad ass, and always the most popular kid in school. I was shy and not nearly as awesome as him. When he was by my side I felt bigger and stronger. We walked down the halls in school and everyone knew me as Marcos sister. (Fake name)

I’ll finish later, can’t write now.