Pillar of Light

People who frown all the time

Lately I noticed people asking me “are you ok?” Like all the time.

This week after chorus rehearsal one of the members came up to me to let me know I look sad while in singing. It was constructive criticism, because part of our performance is also theatrical.
At first I was thinking, I was probably focused on the lyrics and it made me look serious.

Then today I was sitting on my couch ordering groceries, while my toddler was jumping around. All of the sudden I noticed my face expression. Without seeing my reflection, I could feel my sad droopy expression.

I thought about how I’ve changed into this person. I was always super smiley, people would comment on how “perky” I am. I would see miserable middle aged women and think “sheesh what happened to her”. Now I’m her.
And I burst into tears with my face in my hands still in front of the computer so my daughter wouldn’t see.

Who is this? This isn’t me!

Memories of all the pain that broke me over the years flashed through my mind; my brother dying, my husband putting me through hell, my mothers lack of acceptance, my fathers rejection, the stress of having majority of the weight of the household on me, feeling like an absolute work horse with no break for years…

When exactly did this happened to me? Will I ever get the old me back or am I far too damaged? Should I seek professional help? Or would it not even help?

The reason I named this journal A BETTER LIFE is with the intent to become a better version of myself. I’m not even close, I feel like I hate myself.