rotten

fairy godmother with a runny nose

dear diary... i know it's been quite a few days. feels weird for me too.

the weekend was quite lovely, even if it was full of snot (i'm still pretty stuffy, i hate it) and well, three kids sure is a handful. j can be really difficult throwing his fits, e climbs on EVERYTHING (way too much for a 1 yo)... the baby was super chill tho - even w seemed to like her instead of being jealous (when j was a baby w shat on the floor every night while we slept lmao, hashtag neverforget). when the parents went to sauna and left me to hang out with the bebe, w immediately moved closer to her on the couch. warmed her toes and my heart. j loved his present although the magic trick set he got from a's parents was the number one hit. i slept better than usual, like i sometimes do when i visit them (or any friends). it was nice to see v & je too, idk why i/we never make plans with them beforehand? used to be the standard, totally brainless thing to do. now it just never crosses my mind, i just go to a & ju's and that's it. if someone happens to come for a visit, then cool. if not, that's fine. maybe it's the kids, dunno.

a's dad is so sweet for always complementing w whenever we are there to celebrate something and the place is filled with quests and activities - every time he's completely in awe of her and her calmness. he's not the talkative type but this is something he brings up every single time. usually our only conversation lol but i like it. it's kinda like our little tradition. yes i'm ridiculously proud of my dog and her popularity. she did so good with the kids too! we were super nervous about whether or not w and e were gonna get along, but honestly they both did superbly. e didn't really touch w, except for saturday morning when he tapped her on the head with a spatula a few times lmao, but she didn't even flinch. i call it a november miracle. although I don't know what would happen if we stayed for longer and they got more familiar with each other, but we'll worry about that in the future if we need to.

i drove back for the peer leader training on monday. i was a bit late but i'm kinda patting myself on the back for even going in the first place, haha. i think I'll try and power through it - just five more mondays to go, woo hoo! ... we'll see. but maybe going back to basics isn't that bad of an idea after all. i just wish more of the people i've spent a few days hanging out at the paja with were also participating in the training shenanigans, as i don't feel like there's many people i really connect with. maybe one or two, plus the instructors? hey, why am i so bad with weirdos who are weird in a different way than i am? i wish i could be someone who never gets 'the cringe' because of people, no matter who and how weird they are. my head thinks that there should always be room for everyone to just be themselves, but in some cases my body seems to disagree. i wish i didn't react to certain types of people with physical discomfort, it really makes me feel like an awful human being. which i guess i am, but i mean. my body's intuitive reactions go against my thoughts and values, and that's always a very, very bizarre experience. i know i can train my thoughts as i've done a bunch of that, but i have no idea how i'd go about changing the way my body reacts to situations. dangggg i wish i actually get to go to the psycho-physical physiotherapist one day, i bet they could provide me with some answers and tactics and shit. or at least i hope so.

blahhhhh i'm so tired. all. the. damn. time! i just wanna crawl into my coffin already.