Pillar of Light

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2022-11-17 14:57:57 (UTC)

Good mood hope it lasts

I woke up in a good mood this morning, my toddler was in the middle of me and my husband. I turned around and saw her smiling face. He woke up after and she was asking us for a toy she wants, he jumped in and said daddy will take you to the store on Sunday and buy it for you. She agreed and said “mommy I will say bye to you and go to the store with daddy”.
This is a big step in them connecting, because she has only wanted to do everything with me. She freaked out one day when I asked him to take her to school because I had a migraine, so I ended up having to drive her.
I’m always pushing him to have more of a relationship with the kids. I know his way of bribing her with toys is flawed, but if it works it’s a start.

Then he turned to me and asked “where were you yesterday?” Nervous inside I kept cool. I said I was at chorus like every Wednesday night. He said no at night, you didn’t come to bed till 2am. I was relieved that was all he was questioned me about. He lectured me about staying up late watching TV, drinking wine, then being too tired during the day. I replied “stop criticizing me”.

I got our girl ready and packed her lunch but I was still in PJs so I asked if he could drive her today. He said he had to leave and burst out the door.

I know he cares about me. The way he talks to me though is so negative and interrogating. The problem with him is that even though he wants me to stay with him so badly, he never ever works to try to make me happy. He is very much all about himself.
Some couples you see, the man has the “happy wife happy life” mentality. Sure it’s flawed but I envy the thought of him for once just trying. He could have easily tweaked that morning conversation to make me feel loved instead of critical and awkward. “Honey I noticed you stayed up late again, how about we go to bed together tonight and see if it makes you feel better during the day”.

I really wish I could switch out my husband for Gavin. I can dream right? I wonder how it would be with him if we were together as a couple. Would things change? Would the family problems make us resent each other? Or would we be able to have a smooth transition and still be so good with each other?

It’s easy for some people to say things like “your not happy together, just get a divorce”.
I look at people who have divorced and re-married. It seems most of the time, it doesn’t get better. I prefer to stay in the situation I’m in and deal with it. I may be slightly selfish for having an affair, but I would be ultimately selfish to turn everyone in my family’s lives upside down…just for my own happiness, which would still be uncertain.

I’m rambling again. But wish me luck in having a productive day!

Main goal: A major house cleaning
Other goals:
schedule a facial
Order my nieces birthday cake
Record my audition song
Food shopping
Work on one of my websites
Wrap my nieces gifts
Paint my nails