Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2022-11-16 12:48:25 (UTC)

Painful

Getting clean is going to be painful, even more painful than being on drugs, because now you are actually going to have to feel it...and well that's going to suck!

It sucks so very bad. Sunday I said I wanted to die and I truly meant that in the moment the pain and hurt was so bad and so heavy. I honestly couldn't breathe. I couldn't stop crying nor did I ever think I would be able to recover. Monday and Tuesday were pretty much sad days too but this morning I am able to remember the good things about my wonderful sweet baby Panther and not just the tragic event that ended his life. I did not do anything with ill intentions. I loved that cat more than I thought it was possible for me to love an animal. I always avoid a connection with animals as they don't last as long as us so why would I want to put myself through that? So I hardened my heart to protect it, isn't that the stupidest thing ever? If you are hardening your heart you aren't living.

Loving someone or something hurts when you lose it, but I would still take all the hurt because it meant you loved a lot

I'm still in the hospital and haven't ate since Monday lunch so I'm starting to lose my charming sweet demeanor...I'm hangry!

The lady in the room with me has been moaning and crying since I've been here, poor lady in a lot of pain...and then there's me., Chatty Cathy talking to all the people that still remember me from 2017 when I worked here.

This nurse came in last night and introduced himself I asked him if he remembered a cute girl that was admin for security. He was like "Michele, is that you?" He said he thought he recognized the name but wasn't sure because it had been so long. The doctor that took care of me last night was my friend Ame she will be starting her own practice next month I told her to let me know I need a new doctor. So maybe I found 1. She was proud of me for telling her I was a recovering addict, she didn't judge me or make me feel bad so that was nice. Hopefully I get out of here soon



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