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Starting over
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2022-11-14 17:01:36 (UTC)

how does a person

How does a person get through great personal trauma? I mean still not ready to talk about it, I can't. I am seriously fucked up in the head right now. I fucked up I didn't think things through, like normally, go through life believing everything always works out...well it doesn't. Mike warned me, but everything always works out...again it does not.

I never in a million years would have ever thought what happened yesterday actually happened at all. I just know that because I am so fucking dumb and impulsive, our cat is now dead. Let me tell you, if I thought we had a chance, like I thought yesterday we were getting back together, then I 'murdered his son'. After he put the cat down, which he didn't deserve to have to suffer through that, this once again, was all me. He came home and I knew he was so broken, so was I. I asked him for a hug, he walked away and told me I don't deserve one.

He later looked me over and made me go to the clinic, so I went and once again he saved my life, they sent me to the hospital and told me if I would have waited til this morning it would have been bad for me. But he hates me, well he says he doesn't hate me, but it is 100% over.

Today I feel like this is my rock bottom, I am so fucking broken right now. I can't sleep, I can't close my eyes. I promised those cats that I would love them and protect them for the rest of their lives, since someone just dumped them off. I promised them safety and I didn't keep my promises, I tried, have the battle wounds to show for it, but, I failed him, the most brilliant boy cat that ever lived. He was my love the one I missed the most in rehab, he was my heart. He always knew when I was sad, he was my healer. God, I don't know how I can do this, I really don't. Mike said give it to God, yeah he is so fucking sick of me right now too probably.

I have been reading trauma support groups, listening to music, meditating, praying, nothing is helping. Today just sucks, well it was yesterday that sucked mostly but today is a close 2nd. Our little princess girl cat, his sister is heartbroken, she doesn't know what happened, she was smart she ditched behind the washer and dryer. I always thought something was wrong with her voice box because she never meows, but know she hasn't stopped crying and looking for her brother and it is breaking my heart over and over

I don't think I can get through this, I don't know how to deal with this shit emotions, I am only a high schooler fresh out of rehab, it seems like forever ago, but only 69 days ago. So this shit feels like it is killing me, like I could actually die, yesterday I said I wanted to, this is all too much.

Today I am doing nothing but wallowing in self pity, poor me my life sucks wah wah wah, it's all about me. It's not tho, he feels it is and that's all that matters

I haven't even taken a shower yet, dried blood still in my hair, I'm afraid to look at myself. One thing I will say, is last night in the ER, my pain level was honesly at a 10, when they seen my arm and hand they were like 'don't worry we can get you something for the pain' I said, ok, well that's great but I am a 69 day recovering addict so nothing that will fuck me up. They gave me some torodoll or something like that and tylenol and IV antibiotics. The one nurse said that I was a bad ass, because she knew I was in a lot of pain, I was there forever so she knew Mike left me and what actually happened yesterday. She said she was proud of me for not just taking the easy way out of not only physical pain but mental pain as well. I am honestly proud of myself. Physically I am fucked up that's for sure, but I should be fine. I was trying to save my cat, again, I failed. Mentally I don't ever see myself recovering from this.

Give it to God, God is probably like I sent you Mike why don't you ever listen to him?

I don't know, they only thing that is keeping me going is that at rock bottom, you can only go up right? While I know that shit could of been way worse, it was 'worse' enough


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