Lilac lavendar2
Starting over
1st official night alone
So, he moved out yesterday. I was so sad, I didn't stop the tears, I let them come and just felt the emotions. Who said I couldn't grow? I didn't use to numb the pain, I didn't eat the hot fudge stuff we have in the fridge, I didn't do anything. I went to bed at 6pm on a Saturday night and I was able to sleep until 5am. This morning again, is just sad. We have been texting already this morning, he misses me already, I miss him too.
He wishes he would have seen that I was using drugs years ago he could have got me help then. I tried to explain to him that you can't help an addict until they actually wanted help, and up until September 5th I didn't want to stop. I feel like years earlier I would have just continued to sweet talk and lie, manipulate do whatever I had to do to make you think I quit. Even if it meant going to rehab, if I wasn't ready to quit no one could of made me, does that make sense? It was working for me; it was helping whatever I didn't want to feel just go away. I just wish he would go to an al-anon meeting I feel like I have fucked him up in so many ways that I don't even know, maybe I need to go to an al-anon.
He feels like I didn't love him, since I checked out didn't want to do 'healthy exercise' stuff with him (really, do I need to say why I didn't want to? Exercise? goes against everything I believe in. It took me 54 years to get my ass this way, exercise, pfffft) He went to church, ok let me explain, it was 2019, I was working 2 jobs, on Sunday morning I just came home at 6am, so yeah I stopped going to church, I needed to sleep at some point. The I stopped going to the growth groups with him, they were at 6pm I started work at 8:30pm (2nd job, home from 1st at 5:30pm) so yeah, I guess I checked out. I thought I was helping 'us' financially by working 2 jobs, but I guess I was killing 'us'. Then 2020 happened and well, yeah at first Mike was a freak about the whole covid thing. 2020 sucked, we did NOTHING, we only had each other. I thought we were fine, we spent our days together watching stupid shit like the waltons, but we were together and nothing else mattered. After he started getting healthy I started spiraling. I always pretend I am a bad ass and nothing bothers me, I give no fucks about anything, but that too is all an act, I give a lot of fucks about way too many things. Watching my 'superman' husband physically suffering for 3 months maybe longer in 2020, while there was nothing I could do, fucked me up. I went into a depression, while Mike blames me using norco on checking out, I disagree. I told him it was a depression that got me fucked up, taking the norco was the only thing keeping me going. Spiral, endless cycle. Makes no sense, I make no sense, norco supposedly calms you down makes you tired, not me it gave me energy (false but still gave me strength to get out of bed). So those days where I was checked out, were probably the days I was out. Who knows, I wish I would have kept journaling, would I have admitted this earlier? who knows.
It is what it is. Everything happened the way it happened and there is nothing we can do now to change that fact.
He wishes I would have just talked to him about the norco, again, reseach how an addicts mind works, I can't explain. I was so filled with guilt and shame over keeping this horrible secret I was overwhelmed. Yesterday something happened, Mike was talking about the ER waiting room and all of these junkies coming in there having overdosed, then he caught himself (I am a junkie) and said, well not like a norco person, like meth type person. Let me just stop you right there, by the Grace of God go I. Every single meth, heroin, crack, whatever type drug all said the same thing "oh yeah norco, that's how I started" so yeah all junkies are the same, just some of us get so sick of living that way that we ask for help from God and he offers us Grace. I'm not knocking Mike, I too, before rehab would have said the same thing, after all I was only taking meds from the doctor, not buying them off the streets, so yeah I was way better than the corner crack head (NOT) we are all the same...broken fucked up messes. I pray for all the people using and currently struggling in their addictions, I'm telling you addiction is straight up the devil.
While, I don't want to make up excuses for why I did what I did, you know I can come up with a million reasons, but there is only truly one answer I am an addict, I'm sorry, there is nothing I can do about it. I mean I will forever be on guard against this, but this is who I am, or became, whatever.
I am a good person I am kind and loving, he will be back, of this I am sure
well gotta get ready for the day, my mom is taking me, kim and my sister out to eat for birthday lunches.