I want to write more, but Im struggling internally with some things, and its hard to write them down I guess?
Im a person who doesnt do well with Angry people and negativity (also a trait of an adult child of an alcoholic) as in my life experiences, growing up and my first marriage, Angry people curse and yell, they are not kind, they dont care how I feel, they ignore me, stonewall me. That was my father, that was my ex husband, but also my current husband has some of those traits also.
I think a common phrase I say to him is "Be kind to me" "please talk nicer"
And when Im away from his negativity and harshness, I notice how much more abrasive he is when we do talk, like sometimes a phone call and a phrase I sit there and my eyes well up with tears from something he says so harshly. ANd then I tell myself "Oh your just overly sensitive" and then I look at it at times realizing I tolerate things I dont have too, or that I feel taken for granted. I dont feel he puts in the effort to be considerate of me, to be my soft safe place to fall. Hes the harsh abrasive place I need to get away from and create my own space alone that is safe to fall in.
I also make excuses, like he cant help it, hes Aspie, I have to educate him, but I DONT! Hes a grown man, and he somehow gets into gear when hes about to loose me (happened twice in our relationship) and he sure becomes kinder, softer and starts to take concern over what I say...
So yes that is my struggle, in going home,
Ive made friends, here I feel I have a community of people, back home I do not. I feel we would have people to spend time with here.
I love the property. Its beautiful, and spacious and roomy. Its what I wanted back home and the one thing thats lacking is the land and space. I envision string lights in the nicer weather months draped from the trees, a blanket on the lawn and looking up at the stars.
That is the romantic girl in me, the one I sorta said "Well that kinda love is corny, it doesnt really exsist, its only in movies" but shes still in there, and she can have those moments, but its up to her these days to create them. I mean youve been married for awhile and that stuff fades right? I mean sure I can create those moments, but its feels wonderful to have someone create them for you, but then I doubt it would feel good from a person who doesnt feel that way or understand that fun, passionate side of me.
I seriously need to find a therapist again. I have much to talk about and process and need that safe space to so.
So Im still out of state, was aiming to head back home this wknd, but Im waiting on the Water meter. We cant shut it off, had the water co out, first off we couldnt even find it, they came out to do the locating, and then they couldnt shut it off, so a plumber could do work here. And so they told me its rusted, and they are going to be replacing it. So its dug out, there are flags out and also some from the internet fiber co came out to mark there spots, since they will be digging for the new meter. They said thurs, well nobody came, and I called but had to leave a voicemail and never heard back. So pray they come out today! We are officially moving into the colder temps today. Ive had nothing but beautiful weather, 60s and 70s by day since being here. And Ive loved it, but we supposed to drop to highs in the 30s and night time teens. And I need to keep an eye on things, have some small leaks in the basement, and I will shut it all down before leaving but there are some things I can take care of to better safeguard this winter until I return next yr. So that has to be done before I leave, as I dont need a flood basement.
Also I met a contractor. I had 2 set to come by, and neither showed up or called. Typical thing back home, but my electrician called me, he said his neighbor is a contractor and had a job fall thru, and it was just that divine timing moment, he called me, I called the guy right away and that afternoon he was here at my house, the guy has a long history, is working on properties here in a historic village, hes into old homes, has his own, he is a carpenter also, good with detail, and I just liked him, he was here quite awhile and kept apologizing for chatting so much, it was fine as I got to learn about what kinda guy he is, his passions for what he does and why. So hes putting together an estimate for me, we are doing it as Phase 1, rip out the flooring and replace, then all the detail and finish stuff is more for Phase 2 when I return next yr, Or maybe some phases until I get back depending on materials I pick out or get to him. So hes said some areas that we wont really know how things look until he gets in there and gets the floorout. I have carpenter ant damage to the joists, the floor sinks, slopes, its soft and flexes, and its a dirty crawl space underneath you cant get into but just view with flashlights, so until he opens it up, he doesnt know about my footings, etc. and I dont want the job done half ass, not looking to cut corners, want things done right. So hes said worst case scenario would be rebuilding this entire addition(its a one story side later addition of a kitchen/bath and side porch) the rest of the home is on concrete with a basement. It is stable feeling and the floors are fine in those areas. He did point out a beam on jacks in my basement he didnt like the looks of so I said put that on my estimate, that needs to get done also. Just getting the most important stuff handled first, and all the while during this job, plumbing will get redone and electrical and new panel. I have the electrician, he has his plumber. So Im set for people if I go with this guy. Im almost sure I will unless his bid is insanely high. But this needs to get done regardless, and the timing is perfect if I can have all this done before I come back next yr. And Im looking forward to doing work with this guy and he could be a help to me with projects in the future.
The electrician I think I wrote about before, he seems Aspie? Tourettes maybe also? But super skilled guy, single, never married, no kids, he did the property on my family homestead for me already to the tiny home. I had no electricity on that acreage and I now do. He lives down the road.It seems once Im in with people, then its no problem. Hes a nice guy but shows up. Hes processing things and walking around and calling me with suggestions, and then he called me with the hookup for the contractor who did show up and seems interested in doing this job for me, plus the guy said being able to do an indoor job like this with a heater is ideal for winter.
So I have been cleaning, Ive scrubbed down the downstairs top to bottom other then the living room which is the nicest room, I just have the walls left, but got all the windows cleaned inside and out and the built in shelving units with glass front doors.
I started on the upstairs, got the windows done in and out yesterday, I need to go up there and clean the wood floors. I made up the larger bed last night, hung a lace curtain over the window, did that in the living room, found 2 panels at the thrift shop yesterday and a wood bench I placed in the side porch, perfect to sit and take and put on ones shoes.
I picked up a cute ruffled linen type shower curtain at the store, just to make myself feel better in the bathroom, something pretty and new.
I do enjoy my solitude and peace and beauty here, but I also cant wait to transform this place. its in no way how Id have a home look, but I make due with what I have to work with.
I met the yard guy also, he takes care of the lawn here, I need to go up and pay him, I can walk to his house, got up the other am and walked the neighborhood, figured better bet get out there before its super cold.
He said hed pick up all my tree branches with his trailer and burn them for me while Im away
My husband just says "Its because you have tits people are nice to you"
Is that all it is? Is that a compliment? How do I take that? Thats the way my husband talks, sure its blunt and straight forward, thats the kinda guy he is, but sometimes its too much for me also.
Got my propane delivery yesterday so its all filled up for winter.
Its going to be a chilly trip back home, going thru colder temps and just have to watch snow for my drive, so we shall see, its really the water shut off and new meter Im waiting on, hope they do it soon.