Pillar of Light
Just a few weeks ago I passed my audition and joined a chorus. It’s very important to me so I want to write about it now that I started this diary.
Looking deep into myself I know I have lots of inner trauma that holds me back from doing so many things; as most of us do!
As a child I loved to sing. Me and my brother would get in front of my family and duet songs from the radio. I started a singing group in my elementary school where we would get permission to use the auditorium and perform for our friends.
My mother was extremely old fashioned and strict. When I told her I want to be a singer she said I can’t. Reason being, singers travel around the world and are seen by everyone. That is not acceptable or respectable for me and my family’s culture. In my family almost everything was considered embarrassing for a girl if it didn’t have to do with becoming an obedient housewife.
In junior high I wanted to join the school chorus, and my mom shut it down. She didn’t even let me audition. I was envious of the girls on stage knowing I was just as good. It hurt.
Since then I stopped singing. Not only that, if I sing along to something and someone hears me I get major anxiety and shut down. But I know deep inside I still love it! I have always sung to my kids. I make up songs along the way and sing them to sleep, or make up songs during bath time. But…only when nobody else is around to hear.
When a friend of mine was talking about the chorus she is in, I slipped in the fact that I also love to sing. She told me to come to one of the rehearsals just to check it out. I really wanted to but my anxiety was too bad. She really pushed me to come, and on the car ride there just the thought of singing in front of people made me feel so sick all my instincts told me to turn the car around!
It felt so scary, and hard. I kept telling myself “how will you teach your kids to follow their dreams even when it’s tough, if you can’t even go through with this”?!
I managed to shakily sing some La La La’s to the director who assigned me to the part I would learn and audition with.
I practiced for weeks and came back to audition. When I passed and was accepted as a new member, I was in disbelief!
It feels so good to do something that I love, just for me for once. And the fact that I made such a breakthrough in getting over my fear and anxiety is life changing. I’m still a work in progress and am not completely confident in my singing YET. But taking this step is huge!
I told my mom the news and she was so happy for me. She said you always loved to sing but you were so shy. I knew right there that she had forgotten how she shut me down as a kid. She had no idea that it was her that caused me to shut down and become “shy”. But I didn’t tell her, I just forgave her in my heart and let her be happy for me together.