Pillar of Light

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2022-11-10 15:10:20 (UTC)


This is my new diary.

About me and what I’ll be writing about:

I am a female, 39 years at the time I begin writing.
I have what some call psychic abilities, which I have a different theory about.
I will be writing about many of my dreams and visions here among other things.

I have been married since I was 19 years old, in a sort of arrangement from my Eastern European family. We were never in love but we choose to stay together for our own reasons. We don’t have a typical relationship and he does not make me happy. I am seeing another man in secret. I know I should do the right thing but It’s not my priority to address it; so it is what it is.

My kids
Oldest son: He is growing up to be a very well rounded young man. Good in school, respectful, and happy. This year I’m focused on helping him apply for collage and help him make the best choices for his future.

Middle son: He is in an awkward phase. My main focus and energy has been going to him lately. I got him to see a counselor who told me he has depression. I already suspected this. He is getting in trouble in school almost every day and I am struggling to get through to him. I need to stear him in the right direction and help him become happy and healthy.

My daughter: She was my surprise miracle girl. Now a toddler. Very smart and energetic. I see a lot of myself in her and want to keep her protected, want to give her everything I didn’t have. I love spending time with her but I had to put her in daycare for her social interaction and my sanity. She has a way of making the house so messy that I’m unable to walk through it. Being that I’m very clean and tidy, it gives me such bad anxiety I snap.

My own journey: I feel like I am sick. Not sure what it is but I’m not ok. I am tired all the time, my body feels weak, my head is cloudy. I had a couple of fainting spells this year but the doctor is not sure what it is.
My face is changing. It’s not just the aging, I don’t look like the same person anymore. I was very bright faced and attractive. Now my eyes look sinking in and tired all the time, my posture is slumping, my skin got dry and hair got scalp problems.
Part of this is not taking care of myself; so I need to work on it before I start to hate myself.
What I’m trying: drinking more water, eating more (I’m thin and don’t eat much), I’m doing tea tree oil for my scalp, finally did my nails, and will go get my hair color soon (I have alot of grays for my age).

The first step to doing anything right is to feel good myself. Otherwise how will I continue to do anything for my family without just draining and destroying myself? Right?