Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-10 11:24:59 (UTC)

the whole checking out

I guess I am noticing that I did check out on Mike, not on purpose, he was my safe place, he was never supposed to leave. After Chad's death it took everything, I had in me to get out of bed and put on a smile, let alone go to work, be happy all day, smiling, laughing, holding other people up. When I got home, I was exhausted, there was nothing left (unless we made love, I honestly think I never turned him down, maybe once) other than that, yeah, I just needed to shut down. I didn't deal with the emotions, I shoved them down. I didn't mean to check out on the one person who I adored the most.

If you re read my old diary, I seen in 2019 I was neglecting him, I was working 2 jobs and fucking mentally and physically exhausted. I did this to us, I did this. I should have made him my top priority, but I was just so focused on getting through the day, he needed me, Kim needed me. I couldn't just give up. So yeah, I quit on him long before he quit on me, and I am so sorry that I never saw your pain.

I wish you would have said something, well you said you did, I'm sorry I didn't truly hear you

Today I am still sad about this whole thing, but that is understandable, I am losing the love of my life (maybe forever, maybe for a little while) either way, end result is the same, he is leaving. and that just breaks my heart

Work, related, I am rocking the job, which is awesome. I'm too hyper for that place, so I irritate the shit out of people, but I am a great worker so they put up with me. I was able to have Kim be my assistant for the last 2 days, that was nice, she is such a good worker (like her mama)

Sex related, lets just say my love tank is full thanks to last night's episode, which I must say he manipulated not me. All he has to do is make me think he is going to touch me or actually touch me, I swear there is an electricity that runs through me when he touches me (honestly where am I going to find that shit again? I am about to be 55 and Mike is the only person who has ever made me feel that way) I so fucked up my life

Drug related, no cravings or thoughts about using norco, which all by itself is huge. I'm telling you when I gave it to God, he literally took it because it was there and no it isn't and there is no other explanation. I know, I have asked God to take it away before, but I still wanted it, does that make sense? I was so ready on September 6th 2022 to be done. Not happy with the way things went down, wish I could have just stopped it on my own. Then in 10 years or so I could tell Mike about it and we would laugh...yeah wishful thinking.

Financially, we were able to pay the rent, Mike helped and also is helping out a lot, so that's nice. All I keep thinking is Dr Phil saying "there is no such thing as a friendly divorce" so I keep thinking we are going to be alright because we are so friendly, but then I remember that I also had a 'friendly separation" that I knew was going to end in divorce I just said whatever I had to say to get out of there...is he doing that to me? Is he being friendly and nice so that I just let him go peacefully? I doubt it, Les was an abusive asshole, I had to lie to him to be able to get away, Mike doesn't have to lie to me. So yeah, my brain is basically still fucking with me, trying to make me insecure.

So this morning I will double meditate, it's going to be my busiest day of the month at work, I love the 10th, all I do is run credit cards all day, I love spending money that isn't mine. It's my favorite day because I am busy from the moment I walk in to the moment I leave. I don't have to take phone calls today, nothing, just keep charging charge cards, making the business money. I will end up charging over $50,000 today that is crazy, for prescription co-pays

Well gotta meditate

peace begins within



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