Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-09 11:24:41 (UTC)

so sad this morning

Someone asked me how I was doing yesterday, I said that right that second, I was doing ok, but I don't know how I will actually feel when Mike moves out. Today it's real, he is most likely leaving this weekend, and it just makes me so sad. I feel such a heavy weight on my chest, this hurts so bad. My old instinct would be 'fuck him, who the fuck needs him, I will just keep doing what I need to do to survive' and keep doing my shit, numbing, hiding from the world. Now, I can't numb or hide, and I have to actually feel these horrible feelings.....ugh and it's not fuck him, who the fuck needs him....I DO!

Because we aren't talking or getting counseling or doing anything together (except splitting as kindly as possible) I am 100% sure he has already checked out of this marriage. Now, I just have to accept that fact. I mean I knew it was always a chance, every time I took a pill, I knew that it was possible that this could destroy my marriage, but at the time, it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was giving my brain what it NEEDED, it's sad to say and actually quite embarrassing to admit, there was nothing I could do to stop myself. Someone who isn't an addict would never understand, I can't explain. Nor do I even want to try. That's not me any more tho

I don't understand separation, I guess. All I know is that the only time my ex ever admitted to cheating he said it wasn't cheating because we were separated, yeah but still married ass wipe. I don't think Mike is cheating on me, honestly don't think he is about to start we agreed to no dating during the separation (easy for me, can't have a relationship for the 1st year of recovery) plus I mostly hate people. I mean I can only stay with Kim or Mike all the time that's it, so I am in no hurry at all to date, trust me there.

When I left the 1st marriage, I told him it was just a separation for 1 year, no dating I just needed time away, the whole time I knew I was actually leaving for real, it had been planned for years. Is this what Mike is doing? Is he already so checked out of this marriage that it's too late. I have been giving him space, it's just a sad home right now and this breaks my heart.

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