Gentleman ♀

Not Me Being Dramatic Again

Hi.....

I fucking hate myself. Why can’t I just function like a normal fucking human!? I can’t focus, I can’t think straight, I’m just so bored. It feels like I’m too busy to take on anymore yet I can’t name a single thing I’ve dona all week. At least I’m seeing my counselor tomorrow, maybe I’ll talk to her about all of this. I guess I’m just scared she’ll call my lazy and tell me to suck it up. I know she’s not mean but it’s also her job to be brutally hinest sometimes. In the meantime, I cut again. Three long ones on my hip, one long one on my leg, and one short one on my shoulder. I really do just despise myself. It’s not like I’d rather be someone else since I’m already me but I just wish I was more productive. Maybe I need up another dose of zoloft. I’ve heard that taking a higher dose of zoloft can make you just not feel anything but that might honestly be better than feeling as horrible as I do now. I used to never get how someone can be so sad that they can’t eat but now I understand… I skipped dinner tonight and a few nights ago after a big fight with my mom. this shit sucks.

On a just as depressing note, I might be loosing Olivia now too. You see, she’s got a boyfriend now. We call him moose. Like, they kiss and everything. Olivia’s just constantly on top of him. She spends every living second that she can with him. I mean, I know that that’s how relationships work but I guess I’m just jealous. And mad! I get to spend no time with my best friend since she sits with HIM at lunch now and she’s grounded off her phone ‘till next year because of HIM! He’s taking her away from me and he’s not even good for her! He’s greedy! He keeps getting her in trouble! If he really loved her he’d make sure she didn’t get in trouble.

God… I’m pathetic… After my mom found out about all the work I didn’t do she grounded me off my new phone, my old phone, my ipad, my chromebook, and even my Alexa. She said I get no access to the internet other than for school until my grades go up at least one letter. Obviously, since I’m here now, I’ve stolen my chromebook. But that’s not important rn. What is important is that I have no clock in my room. So I woke up, figuring it was around time to wake up for school. After just sitting there for maybe 30 minutes just thinking to myself I decided to go grab a book to read to avoid getting ready until necessary. When that failed, since all my books I’ve already read, I decided to, you know, grab my chromebook, get ready early for once. On my way out I looked at the Alexa and guess what? It was one in the goddamn moring! I’d woken myself up and not gone back to sleep because I thought I had to get up soon but I actually woke up 7 hours early! Fuck this.

I forgot to post this but I'm in a better mood now so Imma write a happier one after posting this TUT Buh bye!

~ Gentleman