rotten

childish arrogance?

today begun the peer leader training at the paja, and i-- hmm. it might be a bit too dramatic to call it 'torture', but i will anyway. as someone who's job it was to lead, teach and coach people to lead others, for YEARS, it pains me to have to sit there. especially since what i used to train others for was actually something quite challenging, something one would need training for - but this? all the peer leaders have to do is show up, write a few names on a list and say things like "ok, here's some yarn, let's start knitting." it's beyond me how they've even managed to create a seven week (it's gonna be seven mondays) training program for that! sure, i grew up in church and have basically been a (peer) leader ever since i could read, but still. these are all adults, presumably anyway. even if you've never lead anything in your life, the leading needed at the paja is not rocket science. and how many breaks does one need to take in the course of four hours?? uggghhh. and they had also picked the cringiest ice breaker games in the existence, because of course they bloody had.

i realize this is probably mostly about my pride (although i will argue it's also about my adhd. and the fact that i have a functioning brain...) and some weird superioirity complex (that i apparently have on the side of my bottomless self hatred) and whatever else. i know that the adult thing to do would be to suck it up and adjust my attitude - to just try and get SOMETHING out of it, have fun or at least help make it more and not less pleasant for the others. just power through, push for that certificate so if i happen to one day feel like it, i can lead a collage poetry group or a postcrossing group or a kitchen psychology group or whatever. it's just that idk if anything triggers me as much as being talked down to, being infantilized. others assuming i'm somehow dumber or less qualified than i am. today someone who's studying to become a practical nurse started as an intern at the paja, and gosh darn it i almost bit my tongue off when she, a 20 yo (max) naive stranger, for some reason decided to fucking *babytalk* at me, telling me "how nice it was that i was able to join in today"... hnnnnngh.

i'm starting to think that maybe the paja isn't the place for me, or at least the peer leader training. in a way i do get it, why everything is how it is and things get said in the way that they do, i really do - especially when, and this is gonna sound mean as fuck, i've seen the general crowd in there. and in other places. i've always known i'm not a 'stereotypical' mental health struggléé, as i'm not *really* socially limited or at a risk of being left out of the society - one of the reasons why it's hard for me to find peer support in places where one usually doesn't end up in if they're still functioning in any way, or have friends or social skills. but tbh it pisses me off that most of the professionals talk to ANY of us like we're dumb or toddlers, and usually that happens until we maybe just maybe are able to convince them that we too, in fact, have brains. would it really harm anyone if we turned that around? like, what if everyone just spoke to other adults as if they were - gasp! - actual adults too? would it be too bad to make that the default? then we could save the infantilizing babytalk to those who ask for it or need it, although i'd like to argue that's no one over the age of 3.

i'm an arrogant prick and a mean snob, so i admit that the idea of being bundled up with some of the people there makes me cringe and feel uneased too. i know it's horrible but i simply don't want to be - in anyone's head, no matter who it is - 'the same' as some guy whose only interest in life is werewolves, or some girl who's proud & happy to be a drug addict because "pharmacology is fun" and hey who cares if you only have two brain cells left. and because i don't want to get bundled up with the insufferable know-it-alls (who always always always need to comment on every single fucking thing) either, i mostly kept quiet today. i was very tired and my muscles still hurt too, but mostly it was just that i didn't dare to open my mouth; i was scared i'd slip out something horrible. trying not to roll my eyes every five seconds took up enough of my energy already... it really felt like being mansplained to for four hours straight.

i'm gonna be bored to death in there, mark my words. or then i'll cringe myself to death. either way, death - i welcometh thee.
if only you promise you won't make me go back to the peer leader training!