rotten

i believe i can't flyyy

i'm so glad i went to the team day on friday! not everything was great but most of it was. like really, really great. i didn't get much sleep but i made it to the bus and to the train in the morning, on time. s and i had a good talk on the train - if there's any work they can offer i'm pretty sure i'll be the first in line; if i didn't blow it with my weird jokes, that is. lol. the first thing on the schedule was wind tunnel flying, and ohh boy was that an experience! now my right shoulder is even more fucked up than it was before, and on saturday i woke up to my left calf cramping like crazy... it still hurts. as do most of my muscles, even - ok, especially - those that i didn't even know existed. but it was SO. COOL. i was really nervous beforehand but i think i did okay in there. we had coffees and watched some randos fly for quite some time before the rest of the team appeared and even a while after that. the flysuit was tight as fuuuck and smelled super gross, but hey, it fit. the instructions were given in a pretty bad rally english (our company's official language is english so that's how we had it booked) but other than that our guide was awesome. i'd say he was probs like 19/20 years old, relaxed, really funny and a super smooth flyer. it was clear he fully enjoyed his job as he kept laughing even when he had to go on full-on spiderman mode to avoid some of us hitting him in the wind tunnel. we did two rounds, so we got 2 2 minutes of flytime each. my first flight was cut off because my helmet turned out to be faulty - the visor wouldn't lock in place. it was supposed to be really rigid and tough to open, but nopes. with the wind getting in i pretty much couldn't see or concentrate and trying to communicate anything that specific in there was just a minor shit show. eventually the guy got it, took me outside, slapped some jesus tape on me and back we went.

i think one'd have to have quuuite a few more minutes of flytime to get the hang of it - now all my energy just went to concentrating and trying to keep the right muscles tense enough so that i'd stay steady. trying to remember to keep my chin up, my legs straight but not too straight, my hands in the 'flying position' so that i could see them, my back not too arched and idk, it was a lot. i think you're supposed to actually relax more, but i don't understand how anyone could. okay i assume the muscle memory eventually picks up, but like. still. i claim sorcery. gotta be some 100 % harry potter shit. all in all, i'm really proud of myself for not talking myself out of it. i mean it was uncomfortable when it took them a sec to find a suit for me, i was the only one to change the clothes underneath (yes i'm aware the things that stress me out are ridiculous, shut up), i was really self conscious and nervous in the tunnel because i'm not exactly sporty spice and with the instructor guy being like one third of me - but i made it through. didn't die, didn't even have a panic attack, haven't even thought about it that much afterwards. more than half of our team are pretty big guys so that kinda helped tho; i think i could've felt much worse if it was like a bachelorette party kind of a situation or something. thank britney it wasn't. everyone was very supportive and rooted for each other, there were a lot of thumbs ups and claps and good spirited laughs... the team really is pretty golden.

after we were done flying we took a few cabs to the office. few of us still had some work to get done and the rest of us sipped on our coffees while they were at it. then we laughed at our fly videos, goofed around etc. had the 2nd annual kahoot!-quiz made by h (i came in 5th!) and then our CEO held a speech he had prepared. it was really nice, the atmosphere was chill and lovely for the entire night. at four we headed to the first naepolitan pizzeria ever opened in finland and had an AMAZING tasting menu served to us. it was bonkers - appertizers, five different pizzas plus a dessert one, and of course drinks. the aperitif was a sparkling rose and in the end we had special coffees with five layers, grappa and who knows what. i drank too much wine (couldn't decide between red and white, and our head of sales who sat across from me just went "i'm gonna have a beer so here, have my glass. now you can have both" ... so i did. the guys on my end of the table were all insane, always just took the jokes further and further, so my filter was off pretty quick. it's weird really, as this was only my second time meeting most of them (first time with t, third with sa, fourth with a?) and they're all like. Real Adults, with actual lives, careers, talent and shit. but i just went for it. i recall some weird jokes about cocaine, dictators, pigs and birthdaycards for a cat... dunno, but i had fun and i'm pretty sure so did everyone else.

after dinner m came with me to dump my stuff at j's apartment (so that i didn't have to carry them around for the rest of the night) and i'm glad she did, cause i would've been so lost on my own. j lives kinda on top of, kinda right next to the train station mall -hybrid in which our office and the restaurant are located, so i'd asked to stay with him ... his place was nuts. not that i was surprised, he's always been kind of a snob (i have nothing but love for the guy so i can say that) and i mean, if i had the money i'd live nicely too. first of all, it smelled amazing in there. later on when i was looking for toothpaste i saw two bottles of maison margiela's replica 'by the fireplace' in his bathroom, one empty and one half full, and just went "ahhh. that explains." it's an expensive, unisex scent that i've dreamed about for yeaaars - now, would it be weird if i were to wear the same perfume as j? i assume it would smell different on me though, so imma go with no. anyway, all the lighting was automated or what ever the hell those are called, smart lights? the interior was stylish and idk, sophisticated?, the whole apartment was really, really tidy, and the view was mind-blowing. there was a weird wheezing noise though that almost made me lose my mind when i tried to sleep, but other than that, 10/10.

the rest of the night was spent in a bar at the city center. it was a nice place! the music wasn't bad or too loud (even with there being what, nine(?) of us, i could still hear what was said at the other end of the table), it wasn't too crowded - and i didn't have to pay for anything. so i'd say it was a veeery nice place, hah. when we sat down our CEO placed a huge pile of cash on the table and announced the night wouldn't end until all the money was spent, and well, let's just say the challenge was accepted. it was a really fun night filled with drinks, lots and lots of jokes, some real and meaningful conversations and just hanging out. i really like everyone in our team, and hey. i don't usually like people. i had fun bonding with m, feel like i may have managed to reassure h a little bit (we're the same - he too thinks everyone secretly finds him annoying), got to know si a lot better and got some pep talks from him, saw pictures of jo's dog in a swim class... oh and found out our CEO's a 'true believer' as he put it, an active at a charismatic church. we had a drunken conversation about religion and how i'm never dipping my toes into that pond again, and he probably thinks i'm crazy and going to hell now, but oh well. i think he's in a cult, so i'd say we're even. ok just kidding; it was a good although drunken convo. apparently he's a kind of a christian i'm still able to respect, so. that's nice.

people left one by one, and in the end it was just me, h & m (ehehe, h&m) standing in front of the railway station - and i spent like 15 minutes convincing h that i would be fine and he could take m home to sleep. only after i promised him i'd call if anyone started murdering me & gave him my permission to in that case crawl to my rescue, only then did he finally take his drunken wife home. it was weird for me being alone in the capital, on a friday night, past 2 am ... and being completely fine. like on the L's bday weekend; i didn't freak out, didn't feel unsafe. not even with a LOT of drunken people around me. i have no idea what's happened but i gotta say it's a relief, i'm so done being afraid of everything and always needing someone with me at all times. i was about to just head back to j's and go to bed, but at that point i was almost sober again, didn't feel sleepy at all and since j was out with a friend who was gonna leave for a long ass trip, i assumed he wouldn't be home any time soon and texted f. she was on a night off, having a beer somewhere around k. now here's the most unbelievable part of the whole night: i took a bus to her's. by myself. a local bus. at nighttime. on a weekend. in helsinki. and i was STILL completely fine! the world must be coming to an end.

it was good to see f, i think she's doing better than she has been most times i've seen her. we went for beers first and when we got sick of the noisy pub, we shared a family sized falafel pizza at some random place she dragged me into. walked to her place, sat on her living room floor drinking home brewed combucha and chatted about our past and present issues, neurodivergence, her mom, t. adulthood. at five to five i started to feel dizzy for having skipped my evening meds so i left her to sleep and walked to j's. it was a fifteen minute walk and at one point during that walk i felt unsafe for the first time that night. there was a guy who tried to nonchalantly chat me up because he clearly thought i was drunk (at that point i hadn't had a drink in over three hours, had eaten a bunch of pizza *and* i was inhaling some fresh, crisp night air) - i told him i was on my way to work and thankfully he backed off right away. he was actually really nice and not aggressive or anything, at all, but i still got a shady vibe. that's what made me look over my shoulder a few times, but i made it safely back to j's. he came home about 15 minutes after me and was, surprise surprise, quite drunk. but he's a funny drunk, so we chatted for like an hour before we went to bed. or he did, i went to the sofa, lol.

my body decided i only needed 2 x 1 hours of sleep - i'm currently SO DONE with my insomnia, i can't even put it into words. i slept for an hour at around 7-8, and then for another around noon. i woke up to my legs cramping so badly i almost screamed, and i mean i was just super duper nauseous the entire nigh-- morning. and day. j got up at like 1:30pm and even then just went for a wee before getting back to bed. we spent the day just laying down next to each other and sighing, we didn't even really talk much. i tried but he was too hung-over, just kept falling in and out of sleep. there was an attempt made to watch a hockey game, but we just snoozed through it on the couch. initially i had made maybe-plans to meet up with L & p, and m2, but i just cancelled everything. it was the slowest and most uncomfortable day in aaages, and took me until 8pm to finally get my butt into a train - i felt bad because mi had w with her and i knew she was reeeally really tired from having started in her new job, and i had planned to pick w up in the afternoon... and when i got here it was fucking SNOWING. at that point i hated myself for not having left my car at mi's; i could've just taken the bus to hers and then driven myself, w and all our belongings home! but noooo, i had to take three busses that were fuller than those in the airports, because there were NHL games being played in our town. five of the buses weren't on their normal routes, bunch of the stops were temporarily removed, everyone was loud and drunk and wet from the snow. and i had a dog and three bags with me... yeah. i'll just put it this way: never again.

this entry is insaaaanely long, but i mean. the friday-saturday felt insanely long, so i guess it's fitting. i'm gonna stop right here though, cause if i don't stop now, i doubt i ever will. all in all; i love all the people i work with / for, and i love my friends and the fact that i have some who've known me for 15 years and still put up with me.
k bye