Anonymous

Today I guess I'm just ..

Today I guess I'm just feeling a bit more low that I usually do. Putting on a happy face to everyone gets tiring. I know I need to work and put in as many hours as I can physically. Mainly to catch up on bills and not be paycheck to paycheck. When I'm avoiding feeling negative feelings I usually will overwork myself because it distracts me. About the only thing I want to do right now is cry. I'm not completely sure why but if I wasn't at work right now that's exactly what I'd be doing. My husband noticed my shift in mood and asked me If I was okay. I was upbeat and being silly when I got home from work. I had to drive 100 mph down the interstate and it was a bit exciting. After I got back to the station I had to write that report. I couldn't help but think that everyone was talking about me when I wasn't in the room. When I would walk in everyone would stop talking. I hate that. Especially when they lie and act like they wasn't talking about anything. Some days I worry about myself. Mostly I just want to go home and just hide away from the world. When I leave this job I have to go to the other tonight and if it wasn't for money I probably wouldn't have took the shift. I just wonder why when I get in these kind of emotions my first thought is it would be easier if I just died. I know my mom always said she wished she was dead my whole life. So I wonder if I picked that up from her or if I truly feel that way. I think the worst thing is picking up traits/habits from people that you don't want to. It's hard to have self love when there are so many things about myself that I don't like. I usually tell myself you can be the perfect peach but sometimes people just simply don't like peaches. It's nothing personal. On the flip side I always seem to convince myself that it's something I did or said. Maybe it's something about my personality. I feel the need to pinpoint the reason. In turn I feel like it depends on who I come in contact with as to what kind of person I am. It's like I shift myself to try to be the person whoever I'm around wants me to be. So in the end each person gets a different version of me. Now days people call people fake for that. As I was thinking yesterday it's not fake its more just trying to people please. I've lost myself in trying to be who I think anyone around me wants me to be but I can only keep that up for a short time before it's too much. I think this diary helps me because I have no idea who is going to read it so I can't create a new version of myself.