Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-07 10:56:30 (UTC)

Hah, I said he don't understand

Yesterday I said that Mike doesn't understand addiction, he doesn't I still stand by that statement. It's just that today I laugh because I also don't really understand addiction, I mean in how it works in the whole world, not just my own personal self. I mean like I was seriously 90% confident he would stay by my side through anything. I'm human, I fuck up, I'm sorry, we all do. (I do see how my fuck up lasted a long time)

I seriously thought if I went into rehab and completed the program that I would walk back into my magical fairy tale that was my marriage. I mean I thought we would do therapy or something if he/we needed it, maybe he could go to a couple of meetings to support me and or learn something about me/addicts. He said yesterday or maybe the day before, yeah Saturday that I was a fake, I had been our whole marriage. That hurt, then I thought about it, I am an addict, he actually saw the 'real' me. He just didn't know it. There were only about 3 people who knew (the extent) of the norco I took.

He saw me, he saw me when I wasn't on anything and he saw me when I was...he never saw a difference because there wasn't one. He says that's not true and that's most likely a valid point. I mean it wasn't the real me actually because hindsight, I am not a thief or a liar, but I became one because of a fucking pill. I remember this one really fat (and there is a point to me calling her fat trust me) lady said one time in the lunch room "it takes a really weak person to get addicted to anything" My mind then 'fuck you, you obviously have an addiction to food (see why I said fat)" my mouth "I think it takes a strong person to get through life anyway they think they have to, maybe you are fine but you need to pray protection for your daughter and other family and friends that might not be so lucky" and walked out.

Fucking judgmental bitch, this was about 5 years ago, I just didn't get to know her anymore. She showed me who she was and I didn't want no part of that. Maybe she was right, I'm not sure, I just knew that I had just popped 3 norco and I was sitting across the table from her and I did not see myself as weak at all. Bitch you go through what I have been through, see how fucking strong you really are. I just knew that I was new at that job and I didn't give no fucks what anyone thought of me. From that day on I just ate my lunch in the car. I'm a keep to myself kind of person anyways....or I was, currently working on that now

What I have found out that in the last 5 years (almost 6) now that people have thought I was the bright light in the place. I was the person they looked to the most when they had a problem or just needed a smile, laugh or a hug. They have told me that I 'hid it well' meaning not my drug addiction but the fact that I was numbing not only my sadness and pain but also my joy and happiness and they said they never seen me said and I was always happy and joyful, I was always a bright light in so many people's lives at work. I tell you it has been really nice to hear, but it's got me feeling all kind of fucked up ways

Like, ok I was busted, I didn't lie I admitted everything, finally told all my truth (relieved 1000 pounds off of my chest) but I was still a BAD person a JUNKIE a DRUGGIE a LOSER a functioning one but still a well you get the point...but now being back everyone is so PROUD of me

I don't know it's just weird, thank God in rehab we did a group therapy where we opened ourselves to hear criticism and then we opened ourselves up to hear positives about ourselves. No one wanted to go first because obviously we were in rehab so we pretty much have all heard negative shit about ourselves our whole lives. The positive things that were being said were all things that I have heard before about myself but just never believed it because of the whole 'they don't love you, they don't care about you, so it doesn't fucking matter" lie I had spinning around in my head. I was kind, I am caring, I was funny, I was honest, I loved hard, I was a bright light. But hearing it from these people who were strangers that became family in that short time because we shared so much honesty and there was no judgement (well there was a lot of judgement for petty ass shit but that was basic female drama bullshit) it got you in the heart, we all cried hearing good positive things about ourselves. I believed what I was hearing, and it felt amazing. Then came the negative. We were all afraid now, I just went first...bring it I said, but if 1 person says I need to turn down the cake it's on hahaha. At first no one had anything to say, I mean who wants to point out a negative right?

Finally this one girl who me and my roomie thought was cool as fuck said "that she thought that I was a cool ass person, she thought that I had a lot of wisdom and advice to offer the woman in the room, BUT... she thought that I needed to be more 'out there', she explained what she meant by saying that I was in group and always sharing so that was good, but when there was down time I would be in my room with roomie. She just felt like they all got robbed from getting to know me more and learning from me. That broke my heart, I didn't think that's what I was doing, I was there to learn everything I could. I stayed in my room to avoid the drama honestly. I learned from that feedback, it was the only one I got, other's just agreed with hers, and spent the next day in the dining area. Talking to everyone. When the girl who said that walked by she seen me in there and her face lit up, I was like, see I am teachable!

It's so weird how much I miss some of the people in rehab, I pray for them daily, and wonder if they are doing ok, there is only 1 I kept in contact with and that's my roomie, but there are so many I will remember forever. We still keep in touch through facebook messenger so that's cool.


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