Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-06 10:23:10 (UTC)

sweet dreams?

Yesterday I wasn't really sure what I was going to do, just knew I wasn't going to sit home and feel sorry for myself and allow myself to sink into depression. I'm not sure what I expect or what to expect right now in regard to this marriage. We were texting yesterday morning and doing good and then he texts:

are you going somewhere today or tonight?

not sure yet

ok let me know then I don't have to go anywhere

you don't have to. I don't bother you dang drama boy

Just want some peace and I get that alone


Why would I think he would want to spend time around me? he is leaving, we are getting separated??? Still hurt my heart.

The he starts saying that after he leaves, he is still keeping his stuff here in his locked room, ummm no, you are moving out, you will no longer have a room here, I did say that he could leave all of his stuff here, it would just have to be in our bedroom, not a big deal. He flipped out he is on the lease blah blah blah, I said fine he could have the room, but could he pay $100 a month for rent then? He feels he is getting fucked and this was all a plan to fuck him over. Fine, you can leave your shit in your little fucking locked room and don't have to pay shit. I am not trying to fuck him over, he said he is leaving, I am just planning, I can't ask my daughter to pay half the rent, but you still only get your little room, no I told her if she paid half she can have the whole front of the house (where his room is) We were going to get a twin bed and make it a closet (she has a million clothes) and a bedroom for the little girl she/we (now) babysit for. Mike was blowing up my phone...because we still aren't talking. Finally, I just had enough and said "fuck you I will fucking leave. But I promise you I won't be back that's why I didn't want to leave I just wanted you to go take some time you needed then we get back together"

It became this big fucking deal over messages because WE STILL AREN'T TALKING. He said he had hoped and planned on coming back, but not now, not that I showed my true self (with the above text) That wasn't my true self, that was me wanting to have a good day and him just pushing me to my limits. I just responded something smart like "glad you could see the real me through a text' something like that. Then I just left, I just left so I didn't have to deal with this. I was upset so I didn't want to drive so I just left with my daughter. I didn't clean like I had planned which was something he later text "we are fucking pigs" yeah so pretty shitty day. Even though I still celebrated my 60 days whoot whoot

Spent the whole day with my daughter, we had a good time. Then she dropped me off at home later, I came in Mike said there was chicken in the oven if I wanted it (hell yeah ain't nobody been feeding me) Other than daughter's boyfriend did cook us a celebratory taco dinner tonight. I like this young man, he reminds me of Mike in a lot of ways. He really likes Kim you can tell so that is sweet. He makes her laugh, I told her that's important, laughter can kill a lot of ills.

I remember this one time (at band camp) I fell (again) madly in love with Mike. We were at Kroger's, this was about 10 years ago, he had run into grab something really quick and when he ran back out to the car, I had locked the doors. I rolled the windows down a little and told him that he had to dance to get back in. Right in the middle of the parking lot where the whole world can see him, he started dancing. I kept changing the music and he kept dancing. It was the best moment ever. I remember being so scared to do that, past relationships would have been "Unlock the door you fucking cunt, or whatever their choice word was for the time" I would never have done that before with any man. It was just random and dumb and oh so fucking funny.

Mike was always like that, always funny, always making me laugh. Now he won't even talk to me. So last night he was in his room doing whatever it is he does in there and I just went to bed in daughter's room. This morning I got a text You could've slept in bed don't worry I won't touch you. then Sweet dreams

What the fuck? Pretty much spent the whole day hating me, now sweet dreams? My dreams are shattered right now thank you very much

I am over this whole fucking thing right now. I 100% right now feels this man actually hates me, I make his life so fucking miserable that he doesn't even want to be here when I am here how fucking sad is that? I fucked up I get it, I see all the pain and suffering I caused you, not because you told me as we still aren't talking.

He said he is sorry that I feel he hates me, he doesn't hate me, never could hate me.

I'm just so fucking confused right now

I feel like I am in flight or fight mode, which is how I spent most of my life. which is actually probably why I drugged who the fuck knows? I say I did it because I liked it, that's a lie, I loved it. I can't stand feeling on edge, waiting for the shoe to drop, what the fuck is actually going to happen, I am still learning patience (wish it would hurry up haha),

I feel like I am in limbo, like I am waiting to see if Mike loves me enough to get over this betrayal

I think he has so much resentment towards me and he is not dealing with it, I have told him to yell and scream at me, to get it out, he won't. So yeah, I am not sure what to do anymore, we can't fix something if we aren't talking.

Today, I am going to be too busy to worry about it, just for today I am just going with the flow. I mean I have a baby shower to go to, where I will be surrounded by family who don't know what happened, only my mom, dad and sisters' family know what happened to me, I just ditched on everyone for 6 weeks. Which, in hindsight, is kind of normal for me, we can go months without seeing anyone, well I used to when I would be isolating. Anyways, I'm not ashamed if anyone asks what happened, I am just honest, I was in rehab, had a problem with norco. So far, 90% of the time, the other person either says 1, they too also had a problem before or 2, they knew a family member or friend who was suffering or recovering. But both types of people always say how proud they are of me and how brave and strong I am. I am no longer ashamed, I fucked up, but do you know how many people out in this world are actually fucking up in the exact same way right now? millions if not more. This makes me so sad.