Lost for words at times
I'm sorry for being me
I didn't sleep at all last night. I was going to take something to help me sleep.. l sat looking them, would it be enough to make me permanently go to sleep? Yes!
I'm supposed to be strong, deal with my shit, hold myself together. Fuck me, i'm the one that has qualification's in dealing with clinical depression, what a crock of shit! The amount of times l have planned my demise over the past few months i've lost count. What's stopped me.. some other fucker that can't face life need's me. Including my own work colleague 'A' who has been cutting herself or an event where my presence is required.
Would l be missed, maybe at the start but they're soon forget about me. Fuck.. l only hear from anyone unless their own life is fucked up and expect me to fix it for them. I can't do it anymore.
I've gone past the stage of pretending to be happy, sadness isn't even a word to describe how l feel anymore. My own urges of me self harming constantly plaguing my mind, everyday is a battle dealing with my own mental demon's. Me going to sleep and never waking is such an appealing option. Am l selfish? No, l am deserving and have the right's of not feeling the constant pain i've been feeling each and every single day. Feeling's of hopelessness, worthlessness, so much grieve consumes me. Feelings of being taken advantage of, not being understood or being listened too, being ignored. I can't even prioritise my fucking day as my mind is so fucking jumbled up. I feel like l just exist for the use of other's, l have no words. At this very moment l don't see no other option. I'm sorry for being here and being me.