Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-05 00:58:06 (UTC)

what even would I say?

Dear sweet Mike, I am so sorry for everything that I have done to you. All of the lies, betrayal, loss of trust, manipulations, all of the ways that I have wronged you due to my drug use, I am truly sorry. I am so ashamed of how I treated the one man who loved me for me. I am so full of guilt for how I have wronged you over the years.

My therapist (in rehab) thought that I should explain why I used, she thought that I should tell you of all the stress I was under, taking care of Chad, then caring for you. Then Chad's death, then the loss of my job, then 2020 and thinking for at least 3 months that you were dying on a daily basis stressed me the fuck out. I was like I don't need to explain to him, he was there, he was my rock. When you stopped taking the norco, I didn't see it as deception or stealing from you, I do now tho, I just saw it as a miracle, seriously, I was at rock fucking bottom right then, you quit...light at the end of my tunnel. See how my mind works. I can make a million excuses for why I did what I did. I will say I wasn't myself, my normal self. My core values are good, so all that lying, stealing and deception is not the core of who I am, those things were done for the sole purpose of feeding my brain what it wanted. What I believe I needed. I can't explain addiction. I was sick, not in my right mind. I wouldn't say the whole marriage, but yeah maybe?

what would I really say?


I don't know how to fix this and it's driving me insane. I am going to just keep the faith that our bond is strong enough to handle this HUGE ASS BUMP in the road, and no matter what we go through over the next little while we will find our way back to each other.

I hurt this man, bad. I betrayed him, bad. Can he ever trust me again?

If you love something let it go, if it comes back, it's yours, if it doesn't it never was....something like that

I already let this man walk out on me twice (10 years ago) each time he came back. Of course that was 10 years ago, we were young and freshly in love. Each time he left back then I was 99% sure he would be back, I was a bit dramatic in my diary at the time, but I was sure he would come back, our love was so strong. Everything just fell together for us to get married, everything. Everything always works out for us, always...well until it didn't. This time I am still 99% sure he will be back, I would say just don't sign a year lease anywhere. I would say maybe 30-45 days top he could live without me (and that's only because that's how many days I was in rehab so I know he can make it 30 days)

I just think it's so dumb, just talk to me, let me love you. Sorry, I understand

Not really, but it's not all about me

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