Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2022-11-04 12:25:24 (UTC)


Why is it so hard for me to reframe rejection? In my head, I know it isn’t 100% me. I know that rejection can only come from a relationship, whether that be a person, business, or even a stranger relationship. Has to have a connection for there to be a rejection- even if it’s a minimal connection.

So why does my head fail to help me with rejection? Why do I feel like acceptance is necessary? I don’t necessarily feel like it’s at all costs… like if I were to meet someone I loathe, I would not want acceptance, in fact acceptance may make me want to vomit. Those close to me though. Those very few that I let in, finally. Those are the ones I can’t seem to use my head with. That it is not me necessarily.

Past and present. The problem with my memory is that some things just never leave. They are crystal clear as if they are in the present. My first memory (not a good one), my first show and tell, my first election, my first crush, my first love, my first job, my third job, my firsts… my firsts seem to be a theme though.

I think not stems from perfectionism. Growing up, I wasn’t accepted by my parents unless I was exceptional. I wasn’t worthy of their time, and affection. I took this as rejection. Sick? Go to your room until you feel better. Do something wrong? You are bad, go to your room. Not the smart one? Well, I’m too busy to interact with you. Gotta pay the bills, working at my desk, running errands, clean the litter box. There must be something I can do to remove myself from dealing with you. Is it clear I’m talking about my parents?

I took all of these rejections and told myself I wasn’t worthy. I did that for so long, I knew no other truth.

Sad fact. I passed down some of this garbage to my daughter. Also sad fact… I got Her to make some of these dysfunctions “normal”. When she was bad, she went to her room. To think… which turned into cutting. Something I didn’t know you could pass down. It still takes some effort to make the choice to not cut.

I think this is enough for now… I wasn’t in a mood when I started and this is affecting me. It’s time to ignore me and push this shit back down for the day.

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