2022-11-03 22:43:45 (UTC)


the state of affairs in my head is chaotic, uncontrollable, an event generator that is constantly consuming raw data and translating it into "meaningful" knowledge and experience. god,

whatever the fuck that means.

conversations with old friends are relieving. revisiting my past and my memories is quickly becoming my only solace, in the times i feel too worthless to continue on. i feel that every year i age a decade, my brain noticeably slowing down, too afraid to confirm my own decline, but it doesn't always necessarily mean a decline. so i will write what i think i mean as quickly as i can.

i have all this knowledge of the world, of my own experiences, of fictional things like stories, of curious things like religion and mysteries, of abstract concepts like math and money. but it doesn't seem valuable to me in any way whatsoever. part of the reason i find it so difficult to find motivation is because perhaps i don't find the novelty in learning as i did before. it feels like understanding my brain, the psychology behind it, and understanding that it is a powerful connection and categorization system unlike any other, makes me feel like we're just built to soak in information and peter it out meaningfully for the rest of our lives. do i want to be a computer scientist? do i want to be a game developer? do i want to code and hack? do i want to work for the cia? i truly don't fucking know. but i guess writing my journal entries on a public website would theoretically not be the best first impression for a prominent covert intelligence agency.

the novelty of writing hasn't worn away, at least. recording my thoughts as they come is something i often take for granted. so i will write until i am so tired i can't even look at words anymore. my mom developed a love of reading later on in her life, so i guess it's never too late. i also still need to fix my relationship with so many things, including myself. my relationship to social media is a huge priority, because i am beginning to feel like i am repeating the same social mistakes as before. also, writing for cash was a good idea at the time, but all this fear and hesitance kicks in like clockwork. a streamer on tiktok opened my eyes in a sort of problematic kind of way, but he argued that being grown up means taking accountability for doing the things you don't want to do. yes. being an adult means constantly having to do things you do not want to do, ever. on very few days do i feel i actually have the energy to clean the house or cook for myself. these skills are something that are being actively developed and yet i still struggle significantly with. then there's the impulsive spending problem, my inability to regulate my drug usage, and probably so much more. a lifelong uphill battle, and they all say it all starts once you turn 18. it's felt uphill longer than that though. family isn't perfect. but i have a job, i made a lot of friends before. i wish i was still at uic at times, or that i could restart my school experience all over again. i wish i pursued what i loved this entire time, instead of letting fear guide my decisions and constantly doubt myself every time. we are messy, messy humans.

maybe i will begin to make the changes necessary for self-care. someone wise told me that self care isn't necessarily what makes you feel better, it what makes you better. as a person.