rotten

life, an all-around chaotic experience

my sleep's been shiiiiit again, for a while now. it's absolutely ridiculous. i'm pulling an all-nighter as i write. it's 6:20am, i think i'll go to the paja at 11. before that i just need to shower, take the dog for a walk, the basics. i finished 'the office' but i might just start right over - if i can't think of another series. but i think not, as i just finished 'tbbt' too, i'm over 'friends' (at least for now, for a few years) and have not really been feeling like 'gilmore girls' lately... idk what it is. i'm waiting for some shows to get more seasons, can't happen soon enough. i can't believe i've reached a point where i wish for there to be NEW things. i've always loved rewatching the familiar ones, my comfort shows. i guess there's a point of "enough" for everything, who would've thought? not me.

--- yeeeeah i didn't fall asleep until like 9am and even tho i tried to only go for a "power nap" let's be honest i already knew that wasn't going to happen. i slept through the entire bujo group, and that was the last one of those (if it doesn't continue in the next schedule) and damn it, i'm actually pissed. i didn't make it to the paja at all, nor have i done anything else with my day. haven't replied to texts, haven't eaten, haven't done any laundry, stillllll haven't washed the dishes. none of it. i'm just so done with this life tbh. the team day on friday feels overly exhausting as well, even though it's probably gonna be a good thing - something to snap me out of this hell i've been going through, because there's no way i'm gonna cancel no matter how i feel about it. i still gotta figure out my transportation but i'm gonna crash at j's (whether he's gonna be home or not is still unclear tho) and mi promised she'd take w in. my knee's still fucked and i probs won't be able to walk after the flying session, but y'know. who cares, right?

i *do* acknowledge the fact that i sound like a ridiculously privileged angsty teenager complaining about my life and calling it hell, but i'm not saying there's anything particularly bad going on that i could place my finger on rn, it's more just ... the experience of chaos. i think. i mean i'm still the same all-around fuck-up i've been my entire adult life, that hasn't changed. but in any rough or not-even-that-rough well-being standards i know i'm doing okay. y'know, in that whole "think about the children of africa" -sense, i know i have the basics and then some extra. i do like my apartment (although it's cluttered and messy, always too hot, filled with things that trigger my OCD and about to be 8% more expensive), i love my car (even if it keeps making weird noises and i really can't afford the upkeep - not to mention gas - aaand the winter is coming... which causes several unpleasantries) and most of all i love my dog (who makes me feel shitty and guilty in a daily basis as she'd love longer walks and i should've had her sterilized *years* ago but couldn't afford to). i have amazing friends (although i very, very rarely see almost any of them and my adhd makes me The Worst at reaching out, plus i'm sure i'll forever be convinced that everyone secretly hates me) and i love my family (even if there's a bunch of trauma & dysfunctionality, and they stress me the hell out with all of their conservative pro bigotry anti vaxx bullshit that goes against my very core and all that i stand for). if i had the life management skills and/or any functionality of an actual adult my (this country's minimum) income would be okayishly sufficient too, and i mean. i have more than enough ...stuff, all kinds of stuff. and for what it comes to my mental health, i've been worse. ohhh boy have i been a lot, LOT worse. but i still only experience c h a o s

chaos. chaos. CHAOS. inside my head, inside my apartment, inside my .. idk, whole being? which is different from the inside of my head / my mind, because oftentimes i don't feel like i'm in there. in here. in me? in my head. present, in any way. it's hard to explain. i've tried to explain dissociation along the years but i've never quite managed to do it, not in a way that i'd be happy with. or that'd make enough sense to me as in my not-dissociating self. ever since i've legally been an adult it's like i can't believe i'm allowed. to just exist. to be, interact with others, take on responsibilities - damn, take care of a human being, even if it is just my own pathetic ass. that's unbelievable to me, that i'm allowed to be in charge of my own life. i mean it's a whole ass life! the most insane thing is that i could have kids, i could be responsible for OTHER humans. that's just ... nuts. like, who's in charge of these decisions? who decided that people are allowed to exist and handle their own bs? i for one certainly shouldn't be allowed to. it's one of those "what feels illegal but isn't" -sorta things, like walking out of the supermarket without bying anything.

okay, moving on. i made mini ... christmas star pastries (as in joulutorttu) because why the hell not have half an oven pan of those be the only thing you eat in a day? i have gained a suspicious amount of weight in a few months and that's yet another thing i should definitely consult a doctor about as it makes no sense whatsoever. okay okay, it does make *some* sense - have i mentioned i have pretty much slept, umm NOT AT ALL these past few months? i'm pretty sure my thyroxin levels are fucked again as well, and then there's always the possibility of some kind of a deathly disease, to which i say; oh britney let it be that one... but i guess a bitch can only hope, boo.