Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2022-11-02 10:21:24 (UTC)

I cooked...finally

Not a whole lot, just fried up some deer steak. It was so good, who knew? I can cook, I just absolutely hate it and Mike is amazing at it and loves it, so he has cooked for me for the last 10 years...ugh I have gotten rusty. Oh well, dust yourself off, he is leaving pretty soon you gotta eat.

My recovery is the number 1 thing in my life right now, no matter what else is going on, I have learned that if I don't take care of myself I am no good to anyone. Since I have been home, I have been making 'save this marriage' my number 1 thing and well that's just wrong (an addict will trade one addiction for another, usually it's caffeine or nicotine, could be a marriage, right?), wrong for all of us. I mean it sounds selfish of me to even say that, but it's true. Last night I was able to finally control/stop my brain from obsessing over this. I know that I am instant gratification type person, I have learned to wait, while at the time in rehab, I remember the waiting was what pissed people off the most, I kept saying 'seriously, we got nothing but time so why complain about the waiting' waiting for what? the next smoke break, we knew we were getting 5 a day, why worry about when, but people hate to wait. We had to learn to enjoy the wait, still sucks and one of the hardest pills to swallow. I am very very impatient, well was, currently a work in progress. 1st therapy appointment in years, well with my OG therapist who has been with me since I started writing in diaries in 2007/08, it was her suggestion to write stuff down, write it all down so you can re-read it so you remember, remember how it made you feel. She would say I would cut someone out of my life for good over a little thing, but my (ex) husband could do all kinds of shit to me and I would just 'forget' it, write it down she said. So I did, she helped me a lot over the years. She will help me of that I am sure.