Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-11-01 10:34:59 (UTC)

I am not a mind reader

So last night as I was casually sitting in the living room in the dark, minding my own business (hiding from any trick or treaters) I received a random text

"I might trade sex for scrambled eggs and cheese and toast. Not necessarily in that order"

All I saw was sex, I can cook scrambled eggs, so I went in to get the sex, he said order didn't matter right?

Well, after an hour or so of our playful, passionate 'sex' he said "you don't have to make me anything" I was wore the fuck out now, but surely I will keep my end of the deal, "are you sure I will?" "No, I'm not hungry"

Ok, I took him at his word, why would I cook if he isn't going to eat? So I just grabbed some ice cream and started eating that for my dinner (I am super easy) After about 5 minutes he came out and started making eggs and toast, wtf? I was seriously going to do it, he said not to. I am so confused, I should of just done it, he would of ate it. Damn, I'm stupid, I'm not a mind reader. Anyways, I was bold enough to ask if he would make me some, which of course he is kind so he did....and it was good.

So, if this was a test, I obviously failed. (back up words with action)

One thing though, next time (if there is a next time) make me go first, like no sex until you get the eggs. I don't know, I was honestly going to do it, he wouldn't even let me help, I could of made the toast. something, no, he's got it. Superman, see where he gets the title. He literally has had me do nothing in the last 10 years, nothing. I do the laundry and that's about it. It has always been, just go to work, come home rest and be ready for loving. My life has been blessed beyond belief these past 10 years, I saw it all, I didn't take anything for granted (not intentionally)

I asked him last night "what am I going to do without you?" He just hugged me closer and said not to talk about sad things right now

when I mean what am I going to do without him, it's not about who is going to cook for me now? who is going to clean for me now? I have to go to the actual store on my own now, Mike handles everything. Well he did, now I am going to have to, I can. It's not about what he does for me, I love that man. I love the way he used to look at me, in bed he has always made me feel out of this world experiences, every single time.
I love how he makes me feel like I am the only woman alive. He makes me feel loved, cherished, safe. I am losing a lot here and this sucks. He was my everything. Now I have to be my own everything and I am old, but still a middle schooler in recovery, so I DON'T WANT TOO

Ugh, deep breath in deep breath out, pretty soon I will be a high schooler (in recovery years)''

This morning I was planning on going up to the hospital, my 80 year old father is having a heart cath done this morning, my mom doesn't want me to come up there, because I am coughing. She doesn't want to take a chance at her getting sick when my dad is supposed to have open heart surgery pretty soon. Makes sense but like Mike said, as I felt he was disappointed in me because I didn't end up going up there (back up words with action), I think he feels I should of just went, but I take people at their word. I am not a mind reader

I'm not a mind reader and that's what sucks about this whole situation the most. He won't talk to me (I get that he is angry but we still we need to talk about this eventually, there will still be angry feelings in 6 months or so whenever we do finally talk about stuff)

When he came up to the family fun day, 8 days after not seeing me. I will say I looked a hot ass mess, but I felt good, really good for the first time in a long time. The way he was looking around at everything in pure disgust, I took it (mind reading) as he was disgusted with me. Real life, his side, was he was so sad that he had to leave his wife there that's why he had that look, it wasn't disgust. I'm not a mind reader, I get shit wrong all the time, I need WORDS

I will just wait here patiently, not going anywhere. If this marriage is what God wants then there is nothing I can do to stop it, I just have to be patient. Which thankfully I have learned a lot of that in rehab, so that is a bonus

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