Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-31 22:09:26 (UTC)

my response to him

Why is I need time not understandable ?

**I do understand that you would need time alone, it's just that I don't like it, and well you said yourself "I am a baby right now", I actually believe I have leveled up to a middle schooler since that is about how mature I am handling this.

I love you I know that and yes we have been through a lot. But this is years of misleading me. Years of stealing from me
Years of hurting yourself and yes years of us.

**In my defense I was an active addict seeking what I wanted about all else, at the time I didn't see it that way. I thought it made me happier, alive. I don't know, my mind was/is? fucked. As far as stealing from you, I didn't technically steal from you, like in any sort of way that I thought (at the time) was hurting you. You stopped taking norco, I just didn't tell the doctor. I didn't steal any drugs you were using, that in my mind would be bad. Does that make sense? You weren't using them, you didn't even know I was getting them so how was I stealing from you? Again, in my sick mind that made complete sense. Like if you were taking norco everyday and running short every month because I was taking them, that would be stealing. I don't know. I'm sorry from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry. I can't say it enough. I am sorry for hurting myself, I didn't see it that way, I was making myself feel better, therefore, in my mind helping us.

I wish this was three or four years ago I would be so happy right now.

**2017 I wish I would have insisted I went to rehab, I asked you to go, it was the perfect time. You didn't want to live without me for 2 weeks, so I just did it on my own, and yeah well we see how that worked out. I also wish 3 or 4 years ago you would of said something to me directly about me shutting you out, better communication, I didn't like who I was, I didn't like what I was doing, I didn't like deceiving the 1 man I loved more than anything, I was broken way before I met you, we met on this site, so you knew that.

Don’t get me wrong I am happy you got clean and I think after all we have been through we could possibly survive this.

**Thanks, it feels pretty good being clean, however, sad I may be. We could survive anything, we already have, but we need to talk, marriage counseling, I don't know, it just seems like you are going to leave and think time is going to heal all this

I know I love you. I just don’t know if we can just move forward I need time. Time away. I know you where gone two months but you where rightly focusing on you.

**I love you too, I will give you as much time as you need to figure this out. The whole time I was gone wasn't all about me, I was there to get better so I could be the wife you deserve, I was there to save this marriage, this wasn't all about me you are wrong there

The next separation focus on what we can do to fix or not fix us. Back up words with action. That’s all.

**Oh I will back up to your action, damn you make me hot just thinking about you bringing me your action. Sorry, it's just so many things you do that make me so hot.

Peace begins with her. I am an idiot. No peace

**Not sure what this means, When I was going through my divorce I put a sign above my desk that said "PEACE BEGINS WITH ME", then for a long time I ended every diary entry with that back in 2009-2010, that saying has helped me a lot over the past 20 or so years It's a saying, I'm not meaning I am full of peace or anything, but if I say it enough it beats out all the negative self talk. You are not an idiot by no means, well except for if you walk out the door then for a minute I will think you are an idiot, kidding, not really. You are brilliant, smart, funny, sexy as fuck, intelligent and one of the kindest people I have ever met. The "no peace" statement, just from my perspective, I think you are letting your anger towards me take you away from God. He is where you will find your peace

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